Some thoughts on God, Idealism, and Faith.

Today, my dear little sister Cierra graduated from high school. Needless to say, I am quite proud of her for surviving high school. She and nine other homeschoolers held a ceremony at a local church. It was a nice ceremony, and as all the graduates were standing on the platform I couldn't help thinking how young they seemed. I realize that sounds odd considering that I myself graduated high school two years ago. But it's true, they all seemed so young and idealistic. Their speeches, songs, and words smacked of idealism.

And that's where the ceremony got difficult for me. A part of me scoffed inside, "just you wait. You'll find out that life outside of high school isn't as charming you all imagine." I felt like a horrible cynic thinking that. It's just that even in the two short years I have been out of high school my thoughts about the world have changed significantly, as have my thoughts about God.

My perspective of faith, Christianity, and God has been altered drastically since I graduated. Mostly it has been marked by questioning what I thought to be true growing up. What does God really say about "submissive wives? Is God really pleased with the North American church? Is God really concerned with my personal comfort? These are just some of the questions that I have been wrestling with. I sometimes ponder what it would be like to meet myself when I was 16: with all the confidence, idealism, and naive perspective I see so clearly in my old journal entries. Now, I probably would write myself of as unaware. I struggle with the idea of my faith not looking the same as it did when I was 16. It was so idealistic, so sheltered...so...beautiful.

My faith seems rather ugly at times. I'm far less certain of what I think and feel about aspects of Christianity. I don't agree with everything my church teaches. I don't like sitting in comfortable chairs in church and listening to a 7 member worship team. My faith feels like a dandelion in field of daisies. Mine doesn't seem to fit in the field so well anymore. Out of place with the faith of others. I'm not sure what to do with all these thoughts, but I am certain that God would not allow me to question all this if he didn't have the answer. Maybe He likes my dandelion.

Jesus Camp.

I was introduced to this film this year at Providence. It's a documentary about...well...just watch the trailer. Thoughts?

Emily's "Every Day in May" Adventure

Yesterday, as I was investigating other people's blogs I stumbled upon a blog called "French Toast Girl". It's a blog written by a rather creative women. Her lastest entry talked about her "Every day in May" project. Last year, she decided that was going to create a new painting every day in May. This year she has invited others to join in this little endevour. The challenge is this: For every single day in the month of May you must do something creative. It can be virtually anything, write a poem, paint a picture, take a photograph.

And so I have decided to join this little challenge; both for fun and so I don't lose my mind this summer. I'll post the little projects on my blog. I may not post all of them, as that is a lot of posting, however, I will include some of the highlight. Now, anyone care to join me and French Toast Girl and exercise those creative muscles?

Miracle Worker Photographs

This is photograph of myself and my friend Jared who portrayed Captain Keller, Helen's father. He was helping me out of the window of my locked bedroom. I should mention that the room was on 8 foot platform with a makeshift ladder under the window.

This is a photograph of my beautiful and wonderful director, Val. She poured her heart and soul into this show. She was a phenomonal director, and I learned so much from her, both about theater and about life.

This is a photograph of myself and Carla. Carla played Helen Keller. This was taken early in the rehearsal process, which explains why we look to awkward. But the time we went to show, Carla and I were about as comfortable as two human beings could be with eachother.

I intended to post a few more, but it seems my computer is being uncooperative. Oh well, I'll attempt to post more later. And all the photos are courtesy of Taylor J. Summach Photography Inc.

...Aaaaand I'm back.

Hullo All. I'm finally back on my blog. I will confess that switching over to a google account confused me a bit, thus I have had some password issues for...well about 3 months. However, the important thing is that I have fixed said issues and plan to post on this blog more often. Look here for more deep thoughts and insights courtesy of me. Ha.

I think it's only appropriate that I provide a brief update on my life. I'll start with the present and work my way backwards. Right now, I'm back living with my parents in Roseau for the summer. I'm searching for a summer job that won't make me hate my life, so here's hoping. My brother and sister are also living at home this summer. That hasn't happened in about three years. It's creating some interesting dynamics, but I'm really glad I have their company.

I finished my time at Providence last week. The year was really good and really terrible. I learned a lot about myself, a lot about who I want to be, and a lot about how much work getting to that point will be. An important lesson, but not a pleasant one. My classes ended fairly well. And as always, Prov has left me with more questions than it has with answers. Maybe I'll get the answers during the second half of my BA. This year at Prov has really been one of questioning many of my fundamental thoughts and beliefs. I want to know the why of what I think and believe. So many unanswered questions.

I also finished my play The Miracle Worker. And it was a miracle than myself and Carla, the woman who played Helen, survived. Both of us were covered head to toe in bruises. I pulled over 25 bobby pins from my hair every night. Rehearsals ranged from 6 to close to 8 hours. I had about 5 emotional break downs in the final weeks of the show. But it was so worth it. It was one of the best experiences of my year. There is nothing quite like the feeling of selling out a show and recieving a standing ovation. One of the best feelings in the world. I'll post some pictures from it at some point.

And for those of you who are curious, I'm still dating that wonderful fellow Taylor. He is still wonderful and I'm quite head over heels for him. He's back in Saskatoon for summer, but my big adventure of the summer will be to fly (for the first time) to visit him. So...until next time.

(*Fin) by Anberlin

Feels like you're miles from here,
in other towns with lesser names.
Where the unholy ghost doesn't tell
Mary or William exactly what they want to hear.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost

Tommy, you left behind
something that will mean everything right before you die.
What if you gained the whole world?
You've already lost four little souls from your life.
Widows and orphans aren't hard to find.
They're home missing daddy who's saving the world tonight.
Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you.
Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth.

That you are the patron saint of lost causes.
All you are to them is now a lost cause.
All you are to them is now, causes.

Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could and now
you made his faith disappear.
More like a magician and less like a man of the cloth.
We're not questioning God.
Just those he chose to carry on His cross.
We're no better, you'll see.
Just all of us, the lost causes.

Aren't we all to you just lost causes?
Are we all to you lost?
Lost causes
So all we are to you,
Is all we are, is all we are
All we are is all we are

[Choir:]
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
(Lost causes, all we are is all we are)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
(To you, lost causes)

Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?



I think everyone has the fear that they maybe a lost cause.

Some thoughts...

Well, the week of Saint Benedict is nearing an end. Also, today, the day of silence, one of the longest days that I can remember is also nearing an end. So, I thought I would take the time here in my cave of solitude talk about some of the lessons I've learned.

Lesson #1: Scripture speaks. Every morning, at 7:00 am when we would gather to pray we would read a few selected passages of scripture. And oh my goodness, can I just say there is something really special about being reminded of the "bigness" of God before the day begins. Before I step outside, before I go to face the unknown-ness of a new day, it was really comforting and empowering to hear that God still reigns over all.

Lesson #2: My faith/beliefs have to meet with my reality. The first day of the week, we talked about the spiritual discipline of confession. God convicted me of some issues in my life. I'm slowly realizing that if I want to claim to be a Christian, I have to live it. It's not enough to know it in my head, it must flow out into my life and my relationships. It must.

Lesson #3: I see God largely in my relationship with others. Today, when I didn't have my usual interactions or conversation with people, I felt so isolated. This whole day has seemed really gray and lonely. I know that the purpose of a day of silence is so it can just be me and God, but I really thank that's when I see God the most...in the people around me. People are created in the image of God. I see a tiny glimpse of the invisible though his visible creation: humanity. So in some ways I feel that isolating myself from people, as I did today, takes away a part of my connection with God.

Lesson #4: It is okay to be alone. Being so isolated today made me realize that although I don't like to be alone, it is okay to be. I don't have to be constantly going, doing, and talking. It's okay be by myself. Silence is not bad. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't need to constantly fill my life with people and words. There is something to be said for emptiness.

Lesson #5: The presence of God is constant. One morning this week, Kim shared a bit from an A.W. Tozer book. It spoke of how we are always near to God. You can't be nearer to God, and you also can't be farther from God. You are always the same distance from God. I love and hate that thought. It's my personal paradox of wanting to be close to God, but knowing he is close enough to see my sinfulness.

In closing, here is a portion of one of my favorite passages of scripture: Psalm 139. I learned something interesting a while back that Psalm 139 is actually structured as a Psalm of lament. The psalmist wasn't comforted by the fact that God was always there, he was distraught. Sounds like the Psalmist and I share a similar paradox.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Holy Healer
Strength within
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Faithful Brother
Closest Friend
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Sinless Savior
Judge of men
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen