Definition: Jesus

Hey All, I know it's been a very long time since I last posted but I have insanely busy with camp work and a mission trip. Which is the topic of this post. The mission trip that changed my life and my perspective in ways I never dreamed possible. God is such an amazing God. So I thought I'd share with all of you the way He changed everything for me on my mission trip to International Falls, MN. (Yes, God can still do cool stuff even in I. Falls)

First off, I should say that this past spring I really fell away from God. I made a lot of mistakes, none of which I'm proud of, all of which I regret. I wasn't living to please my Savior, my wants became my greatest persuit. And when I finally did reach the point of regret over my actions, I felt so much shame and guilt over what I had done that I couldn't bring myself to come back to God. Everytime I sat down to read my bible, to pray, or tried to spend time with my Christian friends, that little voice in my head would say "What do think you're doing? Stop faking. You don't belong to this group anymore. What would happen if they knew who you really are? You're a failure to God, admit it." The shame was killing me. And so I promised myself that I would spend this whole summer in Christian ministry paying Him back, making up for lost time, and trying to earn His favor back. (Yeah, I know, greeeeeat idea, huh?)

And so our mission trip began. The first night's devotional was about seeing Jesus and looking to see how he was working in the community. I sensed God saying to me "You're so busy looking at your past, and beating yourself up over this spring, that you can't see me working." Naturally, this thought troubled me greatly. So talked to a wise friend of mine about this thought. He encouraged me to confess each mistake before another christian and pray over the past and seek God's healing for my past.

That's what I did the next night. I can safely say that confessing was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I cried. (Then again, I cry at pretty much everything.) My friends forgave and prayed for me. It was really incredible.

The next day God totally changed my outlook. Someone made a statement that reminded me of one of my mistakes, and instead of the feelings of shame, guilt, and the over-whelming desire to puke. I felt forgiven. It was gone, all of it, the pain, the remorse, all of it. Gone! Okay,here's the big revelation:

I am not defined by what I do or have done, rather I am defined by what Jesus did. When God looks at me he doesn't see my past, the crappy choices. He sees his Son standing in front of me. And that's all He needs. And that is all I will ever need.

-Em