I have nothing.

This past weekend, my college put on a large Christian conference for Senior High Schoolers. It was an awesome weekend with a lot of awesome young people converging on my campus. They screamed, applauded, cried, and worshiped. I had a few different responsibilties and enjoyed the whole event quite throughly. I also saw Kutless in concert for the second time. Seeing that many people so excited about worshiping God through music was amazing.

The highlight of the weekend for me personally was going to a workshop put on by a friend. He talked about the inward battle that rages inside of all Christians. The battle of my will and wants versus God's will and wants for me.

For the past couple of weeks I have been plauged by a horrible fear of dissapointing God. I want so much to please him and make him proud of me. But it seemed that every where I turned I was falling short. I had begun to hate everything I did. I was so angry at myself for not wanting all that God wanted. I saw the selfishness inside of me so clearly. Why can't I just want what God wants? I felt like such a failure. This feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, so much so that I found myself gaging in the washroom a few times this past week. And on this past Friday night I went to a late night worship session with a couple of friends. As I looked up at the words on the screen I wanted so much to mean the words, but I knew I didn't. I curled up on the chair and sat there watching my friends worship. I hated my humanity so much.

The next day, Saturday, I went to my friend's workshop. He showed a clip of Golom/Smegal from the Lord of the Rings movie. I felt like that little creature, always fighting my own self. It was so encouraging to hear someone talk about the battle. It was if God was saying, "You're not alone. All my children face this. Keep seeking me." In the workshop, he played a song that had been stuck in my head and heart all week. As he pushed the button on the C.D. player and the first words of the song came on, I fought back tears. Jesus is all I have. My humanity matters nothing. I have nothing without Jesus.

So I thought I'd post the lyrics to this song, I hope you find it as encouraging as I do.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fal
lFor Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?

For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You

For what do I have If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter Of my head
Lifter of this head


I have nothing.