So I'm back in Roseau, back in my parents house, back with my old friends, back to my "other" life. I have been home little over a week now, and being back here reminds me of trying on an old sweater. It's my sweater, but it doesn't fit me the same way it used to. The sweater makes me uncomfortable. That's how I feel about being home, very uncomfortable. I know that I have changed a lot over the past year, but I feel as though the moment I stepped through the front door of my house all that change in me was gone. I was the same person as when I left in September. And that terrifies me.
I know God wants me back here. I didn't come back home because it was the easy thing, rather Roseau was the last place I wanted to be for the summer. I felt like I had unfinished business here. I have some things in my life that I need to lay to rest. And the only place those things can be buried is Roseau. However, I did not anticipate falling back into my pre-Providence exsistence. I feel like I'm 16 all over again, and not a feeling I especially enjoy. All the same people, all the same struggles, all the same emotions that I left here 8 months ago were waiting for me again.
In church this past Sunday, a woman sang a song called, "If You Want Me To" and I found a line of that song rather encouraging considering my current situation. The line is: "No, I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me yet." He's not through me, or any of us, yet.....Thank Goodness.
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Ahh, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like that almost every time I'm at "home" for more than a few days. It's one of the reasons I really wanted to stay down here in Roseville so bad...I just remember what the first month or so of summer was like last year. And I seriously do think that God wants me down here, and it's not just me doing what I want to do. And the sweater metaphor is a good one. Definitely.
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