Some thoughts on God, Idealism, and Faith.

Today, my dear little sister Cierra graduated from high school. Needless to say, I am quite proud of her for surviving high school. She and nine other homeschoolers held a ceremony at a local church. It was a nice ceremony, and as all the graduates were standing on the platform I couldn't help thinking how young they seemed. I realize that sounds odd considering that I myself graduated high school two years ago. But it's true, they all seemed so young and idealistic. Their speeches, songs, and words smacked of idealism.

And that's where the ceremony got difficult for me. A part of me scoffed inside, "just you wait. You'll find out that life outside of high school isn't as charming you all imagine." I felt like a horrible cynic thinking that. It's just that even in the two short years I have been out of high school my thoughts about the world have changed significantly, as have my thoughts about God.

My perspective of faith, Christianity, and God has been altered drastically since I graduated. Mostly it has been marked by questioning what I thought to be true growing up. What does God really say about "submissive wives? Is God really pleased with the North American church? Is God really concerned with my personal comfort? These are just some of the questions that I have been wrestling with. I sometimes ponder what it would be like to meet myself when I was 16: with all the confidence, idealism, and naive perspective I see so clearly in my old journal entries. Now, I probably would write myself of as unaware. I struggle with the idea of my faith not looking the same as it did when I was 16. It was so idealistic, so sheltered...so...beautiful.

My faith seems rather ugly at times. I'm far less certain of what I think and feel about aspects of Christianity. I don't agree with everything my church teaches. I don't like sitting in comfortable chairs in church and listening to a 7 member worship team. My faith feels like a dandelion in field of daisies. Mine doesn't seem to fit in the field so well anymore. Out of place with the faith of others. I'm not sure what to do with all these thoughts, but I am certain that God would not allow me to question all this if he didn't have the answer. Maybe He likes my dandelion.

Jesus Camp.

I was introduced to this film this year at Providence. It's a documentary about...well...just watch the trailer. Thoughts?

Emily's "Every Day in May" Adventure

Yesterday, as I was investigating other people's blogs I stumbled upon a blog called "French Toast Girl". It's a blog written by a rather creative women. Her lastest entry talked about her "Every day in May" project. Last year, she decided that was going to create a new painting every day in May. This year she has invited others to join in this little endevour. The challenge is this: For every single day in the month of May you must do something creative. It can be virtually anything, write a poem, paint a picture, take a photograph.

And so I have decided to join this little challenge; both for fun and so I don't lose my mind this summer. I'll post the little projects on my blog. I may not post all of them, as that is a lot of posting, however, I will include some of the highlight. Now, anyone care to join me and French Toast Girl and exercise those creative muscles?

Miracle Worker Photographs

This is photograph of myself and my friend Jared who portrayed Captain Keller, Helen's father. He was helping me out of the window of my locked bedroom. I should mention that the room was on 8 foot platform with a makeshift ladder under the window.

This is a photograph of my beautiful and wonderful director, Val. She poured her heart and soul into this show. She was a phenomonal director, and I learned so much from her, both about theater and about life.

This is a photograph of myself and Carla. Carla played Helen Keller. This was taken early in the rehearsal process, which explains why we look to awkward. But the time we went to show, Carla and I were about as comfortable as two human beings could be with eachother.

I intended to post a few more, but it seems my computer is being uncooperative. Oh well, I'll attempt to post more later. And all the photos are courtesy of Taylor J. Summach Photography Inc.

...Aaaaand I'm back.

Hullo All. I'm finally back on my blog. I will confess that switching over to a google account confused me a bit, thus I have had some password issues for...well about 3 months. However, the important thing is that I have fixed said issues and plan to post on this blog more often. Look here for more deep thoughts and insights courtesy of me. Ha.

I think it's only appropriate that I provide a brief update on my life. I'll start with the present and work my way backwards. Right now, I'm back living with my parents in Roseau for the summer. I'm searching for a summer job that won't make me hate my life, so here's hoping. My brother and sister are also living at home this summer. That hasn't happened in about three years. It's creating some interesting dynamics, but I'm really glad I have their company.

I finished my time at Providence last week. The year was really good and really terrible. I learned a lot about myself, a lot about who I want to be, and a lot about how much work getting to that point will be. An important lesson, but not a pleasant one. My classes ended fairly well. And as always, Prov has left me with more questions than it has with answers. Maybe I'll get the answers during the second half of my BA. This year at Prov has really been one of questioning many of my fundamental thoughts and beliefs. I want to know the why of what I think and believe. So many unanswered questions.

I also finished my play The Miracle Worker. And it was a miracle than myself and Carla, the woman who played Helen, survived. Both of us were covered head to toe in bruises. I pulled over 25 bobby pins from my hair every night. Rehearsals ranged from 6 to close to 8 hours. I had about 5 emotional break downs in the final weeks of the show. But it was so worth it. It was one of the best experiences of my year. There is nothing quite like the feeling of selling out a show and recieving a standing ovation. One of the best feelings in the world. I'll post some pictures from it at some point.

And for those of you who are curious, I'm still dating that wonderful fellow Taylor. He is still wonderful and I'm quite head over heels for him. He's back in Saskatoon for summer, but my big adventure of the summer will be to fly (for the first time) to visit him. So...until next time.

(*Fin) by Anberlin

Feels like you're miles from here,
in other towns with lesser names.
Where the unholy ghost doesn't tell
Mary or William exactly what they want to hear.
You remember the house on Ridge Road
told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared.

I am the patron saint of lost causes.
Aren't we all to you just near lost causes?
Aren't we all to you just lost

Tommy, you left behind
something that will mean everything right before you die.
What if you gained the whole world?
You've already lost four little souls from your life.
Widows and orphans aren't hard to find.
They're home missing daddy who's saving the world tonight.
Wish your drinking would hurry and kill you.
Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth.

That you are the patron saint of lost causes.
All you are to them is now a lost cause.
All you are to them is now, causes.

Billy, don't you understand?
Timothy stood as long as he could and now
you made his faith disappear.
More like a magician and less like a man of the cloth.
We're not questioning God.
Just those he chose to carry on His cross.
We're no better, you'll see.
Just all of us, the lost causes.

Aren't we all to you just lost causes?
Are we all to you lost?
Lost causes
So all we are to you,
Is all we are, is all we are
All we are is all we are

[Choir:]
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
(Lost causes, all we are is all we are)
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
(To you, lost causes)

Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?
Patron Saint, are we all lost like you?



I think everyone has the fear that they maybe a lost cause.

Some thoughts...

Well, the week of Saint Benedict is nearing an end. Also, today, the day of silence, one of the longest days that I can remember is also nearing an end. So, I thought I would take the time here in my cave of solitude talk about some of the lessons I've learned.

Lesson #1: Scripture speaks. Every morning, at 7:00 am when we would gather to pray we would read a few selected passages of scripture. And oh my goodness, can I just say there is something really special about being reminded of the "bigness" of God before the day begins. Before I step outside, before I go to face the unknown-ness of a new day, it was really comforting and empowering to hear that God still reigns over all.

Lesson #2: My faith/beliefs have to meet with my reality. The first day of the week, we talked about the spiritual discipline of confession. God convicted me of some issues in my life. I'm slowly realizing that if I want to claim to be a Christian, I have to live it. It's not enough to know it in my head, it must flow out into my life and my relationships. It must.

Lesson #3: I see God largely in my relationship with others. Today, when I didn't have my usual interactions or conversation with people, I felt so isolated. This whole day has seemed really gray and lonely. I know that the purpose of a day of silence is so it can just be me and God, but I really thank that's when I see God the most...in the people around me. People are created in the image of God. I see a tiny glimpse of the invisible though his visible creation: humanity. So in some ways I feel that isolating myself from people, as I did today, takes away a part of my connection with God.

Lesson #4: It is okay to be alone. Being so isolated today made me realize that although I don't like to be alone, it is okay to be. I don't have to be constantly going, doing, and talking. It's okay be by myself. Silence is not bad. "Be still and know that I am God." I don't need to constantly fill my life with people and words. There is something to be said for emptiness.

Lesson #5: The presence of God is constant. One morning this week, Kim shared a bit from an A.W. Tozer book. It spoke of how we are always near to God. You can't be nearer to God, and you also can't be farther from God. You are always the same distance from God. I love and hate that thought. It's my personal paradox of wanting to be close to God, but knowing he is close enough to see my sinfulness.

In closing, here is a portion of one of my favorite passages of scripture: Psalm 139. I learned something interesting a while back that Psalm 139 is actually structured as a Psalm of lament. The psalmist wasn't comforted by the fact that God was always there, he was distraught. Sounds like the Psalmist and I share a similar paradox.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Holy Healer
Strength within
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Faithful Brother
Closest Friend
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen

Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy
Sinless Savior
Judge of men
Pass me not
Forsake me not, Lord

Amen

The Week of St. Benedict

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a spiritual expiriment of sorts for me. Tomorrow is the start of St. Benedict week. Saint Benedict was a monk who lived sometime in the 16th (I think) century. The monks of the order of Saint Benedict lived out their lives by a very strict, very disciplined schedule. So for a week, myself, and some other students here at Prov are going to live this lifestyle. The schedule includes prayer at 7:00 am and going to sleep at 11:00. Included in the week are some elements of fasting, scripture memorization, and practicing a spiritual discipline daily. It also includes a day of silence, that's right, I won't talk for a whole day. I may die.

I'm going to be honest, I'm somewhat dreading this experience. I lack self-discipline, and I hate mornings. But I want to see how God will work through this week, and I trust that he will. I will chronicle my journey in this blog...so if you're interested, check back.

The Ugliest Word in the English Language

scrutiny
noun
1.	the act of examining something closely (as for mistakes)
2.	a prolonged intense look

Oh! 2006

New Years Eve 2006. I can hardly believe it.

I feel like I should make a T-shirt: "I Survived 2006"

Looking back, this was quite the year. It was certainly one of the most difficult years that I can recall. From the time I said "Happy New Year" some 365 days ago conflict and pain seemed to follow me. However, 2006 was also one of the most beautiful years I can recall. It was beautiful in a way that was different from other years. It was beautiful because of the pain. This year I had to search harder than I ever have before to see the beauty, and that in and of itself is beautiful.

2006:

Providence

Hockey

Kindred Spirits

Baseball

Falling

Rejection

Stress

Graduations

Goodbyes

Tour

Niagra Falls

Beautiful One

Testimonies

Friends

Waitressing

Camp Counseling

Broken Skull

ICU

Miraculous

Anxious

Goodbye LBBBC

RAing

Overcommitment

Computer Usage I

The Miracle Worker

Humpty Dumpty Life

Confusion

Risk Taking

Ulcers

Anemia

Hospital Again

Laughter

Amazing Boyfriend

Falling Again

Christmas

Fish & Bird

Confession

The End

What a year! Here' to you 2006, for all the lessons you taught me. And here's to you 2007...and whatever you have in store.

"It's perfect"
The little glass figurine that I held in my hands
A tiny plaque at the bottom read: life
It was finally mine
And it was perfect
So happy that it was mine I clutched the figurine tighter and tighter
"...Maybe I should hold that for you."
"No, God, it's mine. I'm being careful."
I noticed a tiny crack forming on the side
"...Here, I'll fix that."
"No, I'm fine, I promise. It's just a little crack."
It broke!
My perfect glass figurine, gone, shattered
"...I'll put it back together. Give it to me."
"No! It's mine! I can fix this on my own! I can!"
I clutched the broken pieces tighter and tighter and ran
How could it break?
It was so perfect
It was mine...and perfect.
I squeezed the shards so tightly that the pieces dug into my hand
I could fix it
I knew I could
The shards dug deeper and deeper into my hands
No
No
I won't let go!
Blood began to run over my hands
It hurt so badly
I cried out in pain
"...Here, let me help you"
"But I wanted to do it on my own!"
"....I know, I know you did."
I open my hands
Glass shards stuck in one side of my hand and out the other
"...This will hurt."
Slowly, He pulls out a shard
I whince
"Can you fix it?"
"...I can, but this will hurt."

The Weight of Glory

I've always had a love for stars. Everytime I step outside of my door after sunset, my first reaction is to look toward the sky to see if my faithful friends will make an appearence. I love the idea of the black oblivion of night being broken by a the glow of stars. There is something...heavenly about it.

Tonight I stepped outside and, as always, looked to see if any stars were out. Not only was the sky completely empty of stars, the whole sky was covered in the thick shell of clouds. The street lights of my small town illuminated the underside of clouds giving the whole sky a dull pink glow. It was strangly beautiful.

I started thinking about how stars have always given me the idea that there is God who is the all-powerful creator of heaven and of earth. But tonight, when my beloved stars were hidden from my view, it gave me another thought about my Lord. The clouds hid my stars from me, and my humanity hides my God from me. And, I think this is for my own good. I can't imagine what it would be like to see all of God, to know him so fully and completely that I understood the mind of God. How completely and utterly terrifying would that be? The very thought gives me chills. To know the mind of God.

Sometimes, I become to wrapped up in the idea of Jesus being my friend. Being my buddy who I can talk to about anything. I sometimes forget that he is the all-powerful creator. The God who could crush me in an instant.

The weight of his glory is so heavy that I need the clouds of my humanity to cover me, but that doesn't mean I won't see his glow.

Hmmm...

"By then I wasn’t just asking questions; I was being changed by them. I was being changed by my prayers, which dwindled down nearer and nearer to silence, which weren’t confrontations with God but with the difficulty—in my own mind, or in the human lot—of knowing what or how to pray. Lying awake at night, I could feel myself being changed—into what, I had no idea.”

- Jayber Crow, by Wendell Berry

Laugh.

I love to laugh.

In fact, laughing is probably one of all time favorite pastimes. I was thinking about laughter this morning, and about how powerful it is. Laughter is my panecea. Awkward moment? Laugh through it. Pain completely unberable? Laugh about it. I firmly believe that even when everything is falling apart, and when gray skies stretch before me endlessly that there is something to laugh at. Even if that something is me.

Perhaps this explains my addiction to sit-coms. I love that every fight, every joy, and every pain can be made into a joke. That's how I deal with my life: I laugh through it. My dearest friend Bethany shares this life philosophy with me. So...to whomever may read this, laugh. Please
laugh.

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"-Mark Twain

A great, big, long, over due update.

Wow. I've really been neglecting this blog. But fear not world, I am still alive. And here is the long awaited update on the world of Emily.

I'm in the midst of finals week here. 2 down, 2 more to go. My classes all went fairly well semester. I enjoyed some, hated others. The usual. I return to good ol' Roseau Minnesota on Saturday. I can't believe how fast this semester went. Eeeeek.

Being an resident assistant has been absolutely wonderful. I love my dorm. Love my girls. It's had its hard moments to be sure, but it's been really great. I'm really looking forward to next semester and the chance to get to know my girls better. There are a lot of things I still want to do, but God has done more with my dorm than I had ever dreamed.

I'm working hard on memorizing my lines for the play. As I mentioned, I'm Annie Sullivan, the teacher of Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker." It's going really well. The rehearsals are really long at time, some approach five hours. However, the director and the cast are all amazing people. It's been forever since I've done real theater. And it's going to be grand. If anyone wants to come see it...March 21st-24th. Providence College. Be there.

I'm employed by the yearbook here. I write articles and captions. Yes, that's right, I'm being paid to write. What a beautiful idea. It's a great job. The whole yearbook staff went to Winnipeg for sushi the other night. Nice perks. :D

So first semester has been quite grand. And I'm looking forward to what's in store next semester.

Oh, one last thing. I've found myself a really wonderful guy. His name is Taylor Summach. He's from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We been a dating for a month now....and he's...amazing. So, in closing, here is a lovely photo and me and Taylor.




:) -Emily

Twilight by Shaun Groves

Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twilight

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me

Life in the Middle of Nowhere

I have been at prov for exactly one month today, and what a crazy month it has been. In many ways I feel like I've been here forever, and in other ways I feel like I just got here.

I'm a resident assistant this year. The ladies of Lower Sweet are mine. I have some amazing women in my dorm, and I'm really loving this job. I'm not going to say it's been easy, but it has been good. Sitting in the sub-lounges laughing at something stupid, praying for eachother, and forming relationships. It's an awesome role, and I still can't believe that I get to play it. But it's had it's rough days. I love that I get to see the heart of these women, but I also see the hurts of them. This past week, after a few rough days, and a few rough stories, I freaked out. "I can't do this. Who am to do this? God, help!" I voiced these concerns to a friend/fellow RA. He smiled and said, "It's exciting. God is stretching you." So this is what stretching is, huh? It has been a stretching first month.

On an exciting personal note, I was cast in the major production. We are doing "The Miracle Worker." It's the story of Helen Keller, who is blind and deaf, and her teacher, Annie Sullivan who teaches her how to connect language to her world. The exciting news? I'm Annie Sullivan. I haven't done a real stage production in a long time. I almost wet myself when the director told me I had the role. So if you wanna see a really great play, and me with long brown hair (my director informed me yesterday I need to dye my hair.) come out for it.

Drat! Class has ended...I'll write another post soon.



P.S. I have made a blog for one of my classes. I will posting on there quite often in the future, because, well, that one is graded, this isn't. It focuses on the lessons life here at Prov is teaching me. http://aholisticideal.blogspot.com Check it out. :)

Cardboard boxes and conflicting emotions.

It's 9:00 now. It's my last night here in Roseau before I return to my dear Providence. Tomorrow, with my parent's car filled to the brim I will make the hour and forty-five minute drive back to Otterburne, Manitoba to begin my sophomore year. I'm a sophomore in college. Wow, I still feel so young.

I've been looking so forward to going back. My head and heart are so often still at Prov, but my body is here. This summer was, without a doubt, challenging. So much of this summer was in a weird holding pattern, like these last four months were just a break in my life. Somehow Prov has become my life. I wanted so badly to be back in that atmosphere. But tonight as I was putting stuff in my car, washing bed sheets, and counting pairs of socks I was filled with an undeniable...sadness.

My mom always tells me that I don't handle change well. I suppose that's true. Transition has a way of making me a bit quesy in my stomach. I like having a nice, concrete, quietly predictable life. Perhaps that is where faith is most prominant in my life. In the unknown. In a future that I can't plan and journey I can't prepare myself for. To be able to say, okay, God, I have no idea what's going on, but I trust you. Faith in a Higher Power who wants what is best for me, even when my life seems to be written in pencil. Faith even when I feel like I wasted this summer away. And faith that despite everything I should have done this summer, and everything that should have happened, God was at work.

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."-C.S. Lewis

Faithful to Me - Jennifer Knapp

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand beneath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them wash away

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I see
Reaching out my weary hand, I pray that You'd understand
You're the one One Who's faithful to me

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly
For a faith to be faithful to me

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One Who sees past all I see
Reaching out my weary hand, I pray that You'd understand
You're the only One Who's faithful to me

I Heart this song.

As Promised

As I promised, here is a scan of the cool picture my dearest Lyssa made me. The scan really doesn't do it justice. It's way cooler in person. Oh, if you couldn't tell, that's Me and Alyssa.