Saying Goodbye...

The college countdown is officially now at 13 short days. Wow. My pre-freshman jitters keep me awake at night. I'm doing my best not to worry, but my history as the world's biggest worrywort still catches up with me at times. My emotions are a mixture of crazy excitement, like the adrenaline you get before going on stage on opening night, and insane fear, like that sickening dropping feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are falling from an unsafe height.

I've been saying goodbye to a lot of people in last couple weeks. My brother hugged me goodbye last week as he prepared to return to college and his apartment and told me to have fun at school and "if I ever need protection or anything...you know where to find me." I certainly do. I said good luck and goodbye to Eric and Michelle as they bravely return to their sophmore year at Northwestern. And Scot left for PCC yesterday. We exchanged hugs and "good lucks" in church. My youth pastor, his wife, and darling daughter had their last sunday at my church. They're off to Steinback to start a new job at a new church. I can't believe how many people are leaving, and how much everything is changing.

I went to see my grandparents this weekend. They offered me sage wisdom about college...in between my Grandpa's World War II stories. Grandma hugged me, and warned me to "lock my doors at night, and make sure you dress warm when it get's cold." My grandpa shook my hand and said " Don't show them how smart you are right away, you've gotta sneak up on those professors. And make an impression on those folks." I assured him that I would.

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."- C.S. Lewis

The great adventure...

Hey All, I have the house to myself this evening. Just me and my fab new laptop computer so I thought I'd share the thoughts on my mind. There hasn't really been much going on in my life lately, I've been getting ready to head off to college. My room is an explosion of office supplies, towels, and suitcases.. I believe I've gotten everything I need, so I now I must play the waiting game. I get more and more excited as the day approaches, but I'm also scared out of my wits. I try not to think about all the things that could go wrong. All the things that I may not b able to handle...but my brain is trouble. I have a feeling that this year will be the most terrifying, frightening, amazing, wonderful year of my life.

I think of the apostle Peter, he knew where Jesus was asking him to go, and he knew full well everything that he was leaving behind. But he went, trusting that God would take care of him. I know that God is calling me to Providence..but I'm scared. Jumping in with both feet is the only option. This is my life now, as my mom told me on my 18th. birthday I no longer have to answer to her, I answer to God directly. I don't want to answer God by saying, "Sorry Lord, I'm scared. I'm going to stay in Roseau in my comfort zone, I don't care if I know what you want from me. I too scared.

God took Peter on one of the greatest adventures in history. He lead him some of the most terrifying and wonderful experiences ever. And I trust that the same God who did that who did that for Peter has some amazing plans for me. Let the adventure begin...

-Em

Wish You Were Here.

I miss you. I find it strange that I could miss someone so much when I have never met them. I really wish I could see you, meet you, and fall in love with you. It's been a long summer, watching friends get married, seeing Scott with his girlfriend, and even Cierra has a boyfriend now. I feel rather alone at times. I was out looking at the stars the other night, and I wished you were there looking at God's amazing creation with me. I wonder what you are doing right now, what you look like, and if you ever think of me. I worked at camp this summer with some really great brothers in Christ, I think of how blessed their future wives are going to be. And how it's going to take a pretty special girl to win their heart.
I hope I turn your heart, and not your head. I hope that God will bring you into my life soon. I see so many of my friends falling in love with men who don't love Christ. It breaks my heart to see that, but I know that You love Christ. I want you to love Him more than you love me. And I mean that, I know that anyone who can love and obey an almighty God that he can't even see will encourage me to love Him all the more. So, wherever you are tonight, I want you to know I miss you and I pray for you. And I look forward to the day that I see your smile. I wish you were here.

Love in Christ, Emily

My Summer. Awful...Wonderful

So my summer is coming to a close. I have finished all my ministry work for the summer. I move into my dorm in a mere 28 days. In many ways this has been the best summer of my life.
I had the crappiest spring of my life. Everything in my life went wrong. I would sleep for hours and hours because I d being awake, because when I was awake I thought about all this painful stuff. And then summer came. I really encoutered God this summer. I finally feel very secure in my relationship with Him. I really know that I am totally commited to him and his service. Do I still screw up? Every single day. Am I anywhere near where I want to be in my relationship with him? No. But this journey is only beginning, I want to fall in love with the lover of my soul.
Included in my crappy spring were some pretty dumb choices of mine, including an emotional attachment to a guy who didn't give a crap about me. I won't bother you all with the foolish details, but I got hurt. More hurt than any of my guys whims in the past. I got so angry at guys in general. If he didn't want me, who would? All guys only care about themselves. I'd lost hope that real men exsisted. But it was through the guys at camp this year that God showed me otherwise. My "boss" Troy in the way he treats his wife and kids is like Christ. He's wise, patient, and understanding. He didn't kiss his wife until his wedding. I'd never met a guy willing to make that kind of commitment.
In particular, my friend John, (who is dating my dearest Lauren Elizabeth :) ) really restored my faith in the male gender. He's a total gentleman and he treats Lauren so wonderfully. He is persuing God whole-heartedly and he is my age. I'd never met somebody my age who has that kind of attitude. Guys like Ty, Troy, and John are harder to find...but the fact that they exsist is a wonderful feeling. :)
I really realized this summer how much I love camp. Not just LBBBC, but just the camp atmosphere in general. At this point in my life, I really feel God's leading to work full-time in camp ministry. So that is my plan for next summer. Hopefully, I'll learn as many important things next summer, as I did this summer.

-Em

Legal Adult

Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. In the eyes of the government I can now vote, smoke, gamble, and go to war. I can get married without parental consent and sign all my own official forms. I find that rather crazy. One day you have very limited rights and 24 hours later you are an adult. Wierd. It was a nice birthday, I watched movies with Leah Lou and Lyssa and ate cake. Mmmmm.

This past weekend was a dear friend of mine, Lindsey's, wedding. She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. White dress, and the biggest smile on her face. During the ceremony she couldn't keep her eyes off of her husband. She had told me the night before that "when the right one comes along you'll just know."

Maybe this year will be the year I meet "the right one." I'm not usually too bothered by my singlehood. But lately that wishing seems to be more aqute. Ever since graduation I've had so many people ask me if I have a boyfriend. When I respond with no, they give me a look of pity. Camp has always made the single thing harder. Simply because I'm spending weeks in the company of good christian guys it makes me wish I had a guy like them to spend lots of time with. And you have that camp relationship thing happening too. My dearest friend Lauren is dating a fellow counselor John....(they're stinking adorable together.) Michelle has a nifty boyfriend whom she tells me romantic stories about. James is dating a girl I have known since I was like 5 years old. It's hard. It's hard typing about this when my little sister is sitting on the couch with her boyfriend 3 feet away.

This came out really depressing. But I believe he's out there. And I'll find him....until then, I like who I am.

-Em

Definition: Jesus

Hey All, I know it's been a very long time since I last posted but I have insanely busy with camp work and a mission trip. Which is the topic of this post. The mission trip that changed my life and my perspective in ways I never dreamed possible. God is such an amazing God. So I thought I'd share with all of you the way He changed everything for me on my mission trip to International Falls, MN. (Yes, God can still do cool stuff even in I. Falls)

First off, I should say that this past spring I really fell away from God. I made a lot of mistakes, none of which I'm proud of, all of which I regret. I wasn't living to please my Savior, my wants became my greatest persuit. And when I finally did reach the point of regret over my actions, I felt so much shame and guilt over what I had done that I couldn't bring myself to come back to God. Everytime I sat down to read my bible, to pray, or tried to spend time with my Christian friends, that little voice in my head would say "What do think you're doing? Stop faking. You don't belong to this group anymore. What would happen if they knew who you really are? You're a failure to God, admit it." The shame was killing me. And so I promised myself that I would spend this whole summer in Christian ministry paying Him back, making up for lost time, and trying to earn His favor back. (Yeah, I know, greeeeeat idea, huh?)

And so our mission trip began. The first night's devotional was about seeing Jesus and looking to see how he was working in the community. I sensed God saying to me "You're so busy looking at your past, and beating yourself up over this spring, that you can't see me working." Naturally, this thought troubled me greatly. So talked to a wise friend of mine about this thought. He encouraged me to confess each mistake before another christian and pray over the past and seek God's healing for my past.

That's what I did the next night. I can safely say that confessing was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I cried. (Then again, I cry at pretty much everything.) My friends forgave and prayed for me. It was really incredible.

The next day God totally changed my outlook. Someone made a statement that reminded me of one of my mistakes, and instead of the feelings of shame, guilt, and the over-whelming desire to puke. I felt forgiven. It was gone, all of it, the pain, the remorse, all of it. Gone! Okay,here's the big revelation:

I am not defined by what I do or have done, rather I am defined by what Jesus did. When God looks at me he doesn't see my past, the crappy choices. He sees his Son standing in front of me. And that's all He needs. And that is all I will ever need.

-Em

Ch-ch-changes.

It's funny how much my world is changing lately. And for once, these changes don't scare me. They excite me. Today, I fully realized how much my life is going to change over the summer and this coming fall. How do I know this? By seeing how much the lives of my friends are growing and changing...

Today I got a call from the head of admissions department at Providence college. For those of you who may be unaware, that is the college that I am heading off to in the fall. She was returning my mother's call about loan papers. But since my mother was not home we just talked about the school, the new things that are happening there, my summer, and my coming there in the fall. It made me excited and eager to start my freshman year of college. I'm a freshman. Holy crap.

My buddy Tyler, the guy I've known since I was like 5, is a youth pastor now. I saw him with some of his youth group the other night, and it was kind of a surreal feeling. He's great with youth , and he has wanted to be a youth pastor for quite some time. But to see him living his dream, is very happy, and exciting.

Today in the mail, I got a invite to my friend Lindsey's bridal shower. Her wedding is next month. A friend of MINE is getting married. She's just a year older than me. I had AP English
with her fiance 2 years ago. And now she's getting married. It occured to me that there is a very real possibility that I could be getting married in the not-so-distant future. Not that I have any prospects but, I'm all grown up. I'm excited for Lindsey and Luke.

My little Laura Lou has a boy. We used to sing stupid songs and have burping contests in Jr High. And now she has a boy. Gosh, when did we grow up? When did Laura and I get old?

Tomorrow, I'm going to a "going away party" of sorts for my friend Adam. Where is he going? Iraq. He's finished his marine training and is now a semper fi. And he's leaving for Fallujah. My old friend Shawn is over there right now. People who are my age. Guys I knew in High School are going to war for my country. That astounds me.

My youth pastor said something to me today that really caught me off guard. He said "between you and me, adult-to-adult" Adult to adult? I'm an adult. He doesn't see me as the little sophmore that I was when he came here 3 years ago. And I guess he shouldn't. But I have a hard time seeing myself as such. But for the first time since my senior year started, I'm not afraid of that anymore. I'm ready. I'm excited.

-Em

Summer has officially arrived...

Hello Blog. I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. But I'm back...ta-da

I've now been in the world of blogging for one year. I looked back over my posts and it's been an exciting year. One of triumphs and regrets. blah, blah, blah.

I'm now a High School graduate! It's so wonderful to be done with school. I had my party and ceremony on Saturday. It' went quite well. I had fun, but I got blisters from the shoes of satan that my sister insisted I wear, and cheek cramps from smiling at people I haven't seen since 3rd grade. But I enjoyed graduating...and sleeping in.

I went to Warroad last night. I love that town. So many nice people in that town. My sister's posse is full of such nice boys. All boys....she's got skills. Feminine mystique. :)

I guess I'm going to a party tonight. So I'll get to see a bunch of my favorite people from bible camp. I'm very exicted.

But I need to go do some laundry- Em

Fathers, be good to your daughters...

Hello All.

So tonight was my last youth group of High School. It was really sad. They had a prayer time for all us seniors. It was fun...but hard to say goodbye. Afterward, one of the little Jr. High s came up to me and hugged me and told me how much she's gonna miss me. I can't believe I really have to grow up. Wow, the world is now my destiny. I'm gonna go out there and start hood. I feel so small. So not ready for hood...but I wanna try. I want to grow up, get married, have some kids and love life.

Which brings me to my next conclusion. My youth pastor's wife had his baby. The most adorable angel of a child I have ever seen. Eden Kaziah. She's perfect...me and Leah Lou snuck into the hospital to see her. She's sooooo perfect. And when I held that tiny, warm, soft baby, I knew...that was it. I can kid myself all I want. I can say I don't want it, but I wanna be a mom. That's all. I don't wanna be a writer or a teacher or an actress. I wanna be a mom. I wanna hold my own little angel in my arms. I want my mom to sit beside me and teach me about caring for a newborn. I want a nice guy to tell me I'm a great mom and hold our little . That's all I want. A baby. My baby. And someday...someday, I'm gonna have that. I know it.

-Em

Old Poem

And I can't forget you
Or maybe it's that I won't forget you
As hard I try
I still see you
Still hear your voice
Still sit by the phone waiting for you to call
I still talk about you as if you were mine
Then someone asks "Are you back together?"
And I remember all over again
"No, were still broken up."
But you're still you
And I'm still me
Still you're wonderful
And, I, silly little foolish thing that I am
Still love you

I hate snow.

I came to a conclusion today. And I felt you all would be thrilled to bits and pieces if I shared it with you.

First off, I'm an idealist. Many people over the years have told me that. I see things how I know they should be. What is fair and good. And I tend to get upset when they don't turn out that way. I'm definately a happy ending kind of girl. Every story I wrote for my Creative Writing class had a happy ending. I'm sickening that way.

But today, something happened that was less than my ideal. I had, in my mind, how I knew the situation should turn out. Or at least how I wanted it to. But the situation took a rather cruel and ironic turn. And I had to just let go of my ideal and watch the event unfold.

Now, at first I was really upset about this. It wasn't fair! This wasn't how it was supposed to work out! But then it occured to me that some of lifes greatest joys come out of things that "weren't supposed to be that way" Like a girl gets pregnant in high school...it really stinks...but a new and wonderful life comes out of it. Or a school shooting occurs, yes, it's terrible and tragic, but things change in our schools to keep such events from happening again. Life isn't fair, I know, but I think something good just might come out of this crappy happening right now. And if it doesn't...I'll eat a pound of chocolates. :D

=Em

Life is funny...

Oh my! It's been ages since I have been on blogger! But I have returned for a brief update on my life...as much as I doubt that anyone reads this.

Life is funny. And I don't mean funny in a ha-ha way, (hehe,funny? ;)) I mean funny in an ironic way. Like when you meet somebody briefly and think that moment will have no consequence on you life, only to discover later that later that person would change everything for you. Or when you completely write somebody off with a label, you know, jock, jerk, loser, only to later find out how wrong you were. Sometimes these little moments make you laugh...and other times they make you bury your face in a pillow and cry until you can wring out your pillow. Wow, life is funny.

-Em

Help me Rhonda...Help help me Rhonda.

Hullo All. Well, it's officially Easter break here in Roseau. I have no school for 4 glorious days! However, I do have the mother of all media projects coming up shortly in Mass Communications class. So I have to do some taping and I have a speech due when I get back. But I think I can just wing that...or I hope I can.

My friends are coming home from college for Easter! YAY! Eric, Ty, and Ryan are all coming home.Hopefully, I'll get to see them. I suppose next year it will be coming home to see friends and family. Crazy. At least, I hope it will. For the record, the college application/payment/major choice process bites monkeys.

I hate it with a burning passion. I confess that my dream college would be Northwestern to get my communications or elementary education degree. The problem? I'm about 25,000 dollars short of cost of tuition. Gah. My parents would love me to work full time for year before college or commute to the local community college. I would rather pull out my toenails with a rusty pliers. I want to be like everyone else and go away to college right out of highschool and a college I want to go to. Which means I need a full-time job this summer. Somewhere where I won't kill myslef or the other employees. But I have things that are very important for me to do this summer. Church stuff and some volunteer work. Ugh, I just don't knowwhat to do. I'm poor and I want an education.

I envy those have parents who can pay for their schooling. Gosh, I can't imagine what it would be like to just pick any school you wanted. Ah, to be so lucky!

Now don't think my life is terrible, things are going fairly well. Life always has it little hicups. But I really believe that it's all gonna work out in the end, somehow.

I love to laugh so hard I cry, Em

Oofda.

Oh, my dear sweet blog, please forgive my absense! I'm back to fill you with thoughts, feelings, and insights! So...yeah.

Wow, so much to say! Today was our last speech meet of the regular season. We have sub-sections in 2 weeks. Scary. It was good meet. We went to Oklee...it smells funny in the school. The rams took first place. Yay. I, myself, took a first and a second. Grrr. Andy Swenson, I'll get you yet. It's a good thing that Andy a nice guy...and warm. ;)

The happiest part of the meet was I got to see my lovely Lauren! I haven't seen her since Christmas and she came to watch the meet. Yayness. She's wonderful, of course, and seems very happy. :)

I came to an odd realization this week. We all grow up so fast. Events this week have caused me to think "wow, when did that happen? Wasn't she in elementary school last week?" And you just don't notice those kind of things until that odd moment of realization. Too busy, I guess. But it's true. Somewhere in all the rush and hurry and day-to-day activities we grow older. Time waits for no man, and it certainly doesn't wait for my comfort level.

My catholic hut is now shared by Kari and Laura. If you don't understand, don't ask. I heart Kari and Laura. We played "big booty" on the bus ride home today. I think the bus driver wanted to kill us. Ha. So Life is good, friends are great, and I wanna go to my little London flat.

* He loves her definately..maybe. *

-Em

Mmmm...obsene amounts of medication.

Greetings m'dear Olivia. Time for another update on my reality.

It's saturday morning. I had a speech meet today in East Grand Forks but due to a rather poorly timed illness I was unable to attend. Drat it all. I've seemed to have developed a lust for ribbons and medals. I feel really dumbly prideful for saying that..but it's true. We have only one more invitationl left...and then we begin the long road to state competition. I'm starting to get paranoid that something really horrible will happen and keep me from competing and I can kiss any chance of state goodbye. Oh well, easy come-easy go I guess.

I survived choir tour 2005. It wasn't quite as miserable as I expected. I actually had some fun. I made converstaion with some popular people, toured a really nifty art museum, and finally taught myself to play the "cup game". Haha

And, for the record, I'm not dating anyone...contrary to a rather odd rumor.

Later Knaves, Em

And you, stop looking at me like an idiot.

Hello all. I figured it was time for another update on the news on Planet Emily.

It is my last day of my spring break. It was a good break, although not very productive. I didn't do any of the homework I was assigned. Woops. I was sick for most of the break, but I seem to be on the mend. I has a speech meet in Newfolden on Saturday. It went really awesome. The "mighty" rams took first place with 85 speaker points. And I myself did quite well. I took 2nd. place in all three of my catagories. And I beat my rival, Andy....oooo, vindication is a good good feeling. We only have 2 practice meets left. This season has simply flown by! I'm now in Sub-section preparation mode. Which includes deciding which catagory I want to compete in. I want to make it state this year soooooo badly! And as my dear coach reminded me, "It's up to you Emily, which catagory you want to comepete in, but just remember, if you choose the wrong one, you won't ever go to state." Gag.

It was the state hockey tourneyment this weekend. The fabulous Warriors won. It was quite happy. I'm a Warroad fan. Although, that probably seals my fate as a freak in Roseau. :P

I'm leaving on Choir tour in t-minus 12 hours and counting. We are going to Duluth this year. I probably should more excited, but, in truth, it means I have to spend 3 days with some people who I really can't stand. But we're going SHOPPING! At a MALL! I haven't been to a mall in soooo long. I wanna find a really cute dress for graduation.

Ugh. Graduation. Less than 3 months away. It was creepy, I heard my youth pastor talking to somebody about graduation and he mentioned my name. It doesn't seem real. I can't imagine not heading back to high school this fall. I sent my application into Providence this week. (finally!)...so once my reference letters come in, I should be, hopefully, recieving an accpectance letter in the mail. But I must away to packing!

Here goes nothing!- Em

If you give a mouse a cookie....

Greetings to all you lovely people. I realized how long it's been since I last posted...and the guilt insued. Ha.

So my life is going quite fabulous lately. It's March first today, which means I have less than 3 months of high school left. GLORY! I'm ready. I'm really ready. I have to get out there and start life. I love Roseau, well, some of it, but I wanna try something new. Like college. And with you all as my witnesses I promise to send my application this weekend.

I'm working on my summer plans. Which, thanks to the cost of higher education, must include a job. I may be working at a desk job on weekends soon...pray that it works out. I'm going on a mission trip this summer to International Falls, going to Bluewater, and to LBBBC as much as possible. I'm hoping to hone my skills as a camp counselor. I want to get a full time job doing that after my freshman year.

I talked to my lovely Lauren last night. I can't remember the last time I had such a lovely chat. She's so calm and rational and sane...in the midst of my insanity. Which is good. :) well, my English project calls.

I love life, life loves me, Em

Perpetual Motion...

Hello all. It's about 10:30 on a Saturday night and my blog seems to be collecting dust. So I thought I'd give you an update on the the world 'o Emily.

I had a speech meet today in Detriot Lakes. We had to leave at 5 in the stinkin' morning. I didn't enjoy that. I find it nearly impossible to sleep on a bus. icck. But I faired alright at the meet, taking home two 4th place finishes. It was a fun meet, got to see my new pal Katie from EGF. And go head-to-head with my toughest competition. Tim Shaley...You're going down. Ha, no, just kidding. He's really really good at his catagories, which are, conincidentally, mine as well. :P

I really exhausted from the long day, but I'm sitting here waiting for the bane of my exsistence to communicate with me. Ugh. I didn't think it was possible to depise and enjoy the company of one so much. But enough of this....

I forsee a good productive week on the horizon. It's a short week at school. A half-day Thursday and no school Friday. I plan to finish some college apps and send them in. I'm also giving blood at the NHS's annual blood drive. I'm a bit creeped out about the idea..but really would like to give it a shot. I'm some sort of rare blood type...or so my mother tells me.

I miss...... -Em

That's life...and this is Walgreens.

Howdy world. How do you fair? I'm fairing well currently. Nothing amazing wonderful or horribly bad has happened. So, me, I'm good. I've been keeping busy with schoolwork and speech and friends and all that good stuff. I gave a speech today...It went well. And, for the record, Leah Lou, Mrs. Olsen "adores you!" (I'll explain later) I went to a Warroad vs. Roseau basketball game last night. It was some of the crappiest sportsmanship I have ever my school exhibit. We were poor winners. I favored and offered my condolences to the Warriors. Yay for closet Warrior fans, like Cierra and Kalicia. And the most fab part was I gotta to see my compadres Megan and James, who I miss like crazy! For only living 20 miles from them it's surprising how rarely I see them. It was much fun!

So currently, I'm contemplating my perspective on the dating scene. I have been declared able to date by my parents for a while now. But I'm not ready for one of those "serious ring on the finger" relationships. So...what's wrong with a not so serious just have a little fun and enjoy life kinda relationship? Is there something wrong with that? I don't think so. But in my circle it is frowned upon. Why? I just wanna have some fun and enjoy life. I'm not being flippant or rebellious or anything but I wanna have fun! Might as well enjoy life, right? Do tell me if I'm wrong.
Girls just a'wanna have fun, Em

Valentines Day...

Today is Valentines Day. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I love Valentines Day. I think it's great that the whole country sets aside a 24 hour period to remind that special somebody just how much they care. It's a great holiday...if you have some to celebrate it with. But for those of us who are lacking in the signifigant other department...this holiday seems to serve as a reminder of that very fact.

Every February 14th I secretly ponder what it would be like to recieve a big bunch of red roses. Or a mushy card in the mail. I hope there is a note from a secret admirer slipped inside my locker. But I think this year shall pass like all the others. I'm not pouty or terrible upset. I have hope for many more special Valentine's Days to come. Hope for the exsistence of that special somebody. Hope for romantic love. And that first kiss that makes the whole world vanish around me.

Hopefully Yours, Emily