I have nothing.

This past weekend, my college put on a large Christian conference for Senior High Schoolers. It was an awesome weekend with a lot of awesome young people converging on my campus. They screamed, applauded, cried, and worshiped. I had a few different responsibilties and enjoyed the whole event quite throughly. I also saw Kutless in concert for the second time. Seeing that many people so excited about worshiping God through music was amazing.

The highlight of the weekend for me personally was going to a workshop put on by a friend. He talked about the inward battle that rages inside of all Christians. The battle of my will and wants versus God's will and wants for me.

For the past couple of weeks I have been plauged by a horrible fear of dissapointing God. I want so much to please him and make him proud of me. But it seemed that every where I turned I was falling short. I had begun to hate everything I did. I was so angry at myself for not wanting all that God wanted. I saw the selfishness inside of me so clearly. Why can't I just want what God wants? I felt like such a failure. This feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, so much so that I found myself gaging in the washroom a few times this past week. And on this past Friday night I went to a late night worship session with a couple of friends. As I looked up at the words on the screen I wanted so much to mean the words, but I knew I didn't. I curled up on the chair and sat there watching my friends worship. I hated my humanity so much.

The next day, Saturday, I went to my friend's workshop. He showed a clip of Golom/Smegal from the Lord of the Rings movie. I felt like that little creature, always fighting my own self. It was so encouraging to hear someone talk about the battle. It was if God was saying, "You're not alone. All my children face this. Keep seeking me." In the workshop, he played a song that had been stuck in my head and heart all week. As he pushed the button on the C.D. player and the first words of the song came on, I fought back tears. Jesus is all I have. My humanity matters nothing. I have nothing without Jesus.

So I thought I'd post the lyrics to this song, I hope you find it as encouraging as I do.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fal
lFor Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?

For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You

For what do I have If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter Of my head
Lifter of this head


I have nothing.

He Believes in Me...

I'm sitting comfortably in my little black folding chair in the college lecture theater. This morning's joy: Music Appreciation class. My professor just said something in German, I know I should listen, but my brain doesn't work before 10:00. Too bad this class ends at 9:45 a.m, eh? (Yes, I'm sorry, I did just say eh) A soprano voice is singing out opera now. The guy in front of me is chewing on his pen. The blonde girl across the room has fallen asleep. There is a leak in the ceiling, and a persistent dripping is directly behind my head. Oh the joys of college life.

Youth Encounter, the big Christian conference that my school puts on for teenagers ever year, is exactly one week away. I am freakishly excited. The school is beginning to take shape for the event, and everyone seems to be doing something. I'm part of the team that will be praying with/counseling teens who come forward for the altar call. So we had a training session for that. I'm starting to feel really nervous about it. What if I pray wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? I'm probably just paranoid, but what if I'm bad at this. It's what I love to do, but what if I'm bad at what I love to do. Eeeep, now that is a frightening thought.

Love, or something like it, is blossoming in the lives of my friends. I stayed awake until 2:00 in the morning talking with a friend who had just had a DTR. Translation: Defining The Relationship. What every girl wants and doesn't want. There were a couple of other instances last night of my friends falling in love, but I promised to keep mute about them. I love seeing them so happy, seeing their dreams become a reality. Even though I have spent a large part of my 2 weeks here at school bemoaning the cruelity of certain young men, my silly little girlish heart still was excited to hear of all the happy things happening to my girls. I wish them all the best.

This coming Sunday, my touring drama ministry group, the Prov. Players will be performing in Winnipeg. It will be our first big show. We're performing and touring with Prov's "plugged in" worship band, Aslan's Child. It's going to be really exciting I'm sure.

Finally, it's time for Emily's Cool God Lesson of the Week. Last night, I worked at my Jr. High youth group in Stienbach as I do every week. And we watched a video by Rob Bell. For those of you who don't know, Rob Bell is a rather amazing pastor who producing video sermon type things. My friend Allie described it as "very post-modern". The most striking feature is how conversational Mr. Bell is in these videos. In this video he talked about how we may believe in God, but God also believes in us. He wouldn't have calles us to be Christians if he didn't believe that we could do it. He has faith in me as much, probably more, than I have in him. In so many things in my life, I shrink away from them with the all too familiar words, "I can't do that" But if the God of the Universe believes I can, why am I afraid. He believed that tax collecters, fishermen, and prostitutes had the power to impact the world for Christ. He believed in those that others had turned away. And I know that he believes in me.

May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi

...So she bought me a scarf.

I'm once again back at Providence College for a second semester. I can already sense how remarkably different this semester is. Everything seems different. I'm not going to lie, I think this semester will be exteremly hard. Not in terms of academics, in fact, I think my studies will be easier this semester than last. But emotionally and spiritually, this will be a hard semester. The odd part of it is, I don't think any of my outside circumstances have changed, it's something inside of me that is changed. I don't know what's changed, but something has.

I had a really bad week. I feel so frustrated with myself. Mostly, with how I relate to people. I'm a sarcastic person, but I think a couple of my comments have been over the line this week. I'm so angry at myself for saying those things. I fear I may have alienated one of the very few guy friends I have here at school.

I watched a movie with some friends tonight. I felt really socially awkward. There was a guy there whom I deeply repect, and I didn't feel good enough to be his friend. I fear losing his respect.

I also don't pretend to understand guys. All hope to understand them has been vanquished over the years. But why a guy would say things he doesn't mean boggles me. I suppose girls do it too. But insincerity makes me cry. I see words not matching actions. I see promises not being kept. I see secrets not being kept.

My friend Bethany felt bad about my week so she bought me a scarf.