Now, it's time for Emily to announce her summer project...or at least part of the summer. I am in a touring drama ministry team here at Providence called the Prov. Players, we do little skits and scenes for churches and youth groups in the area. We perform these shows with the school worship band, "Aslan's Child". And tomorrow afternoon, we all leave for our 17 day tour of southern Ontario, and the US. We will be performing in Toronto, Chicago, and Minneapolis, among other places. It's an exciting adventure and I'm excited to see what God will do. And for the next 17 days I am going to keep a journal of all my experiences on tour. My trusty lap top will be accompaning me on the excursion, so each day I will write an entry and post here, on my blog. Because internet use is somewhat limited, a post may not appear everyday. However, I will be writing an entry each day, so more than one day may be posted at a time. So if you're interested, check it out.
-Em
Monday, April 24, 2006
Echoing Rooms...
Yesterday was, without a doubt, one of the hardest days of my life. After 9 months, of living with, laughing with, and crying with the people here at Prov I said goodbye. We had to return to our "lives", but over the course of 9 months Prov has become my life. People who know me better than anyone lived here. Now my dorm is completely empty, except for me, I wandered in and out of the rooms of my best friends' rooms and I couldn't stand the emptiness. This year holds so many memories, some good, some bad. I feel like I blinked and the year was gone. I never dreamed that a place that I was so scared to come to would become a place that I am terrified to leave. I wonder how well I will fit in when I go back to Roseau, I've changed in so many ways..what if I don't fit into my old life again? What if nothing back home has changed, but I have? Or even more frightening, what if everything at home has changed, and I don't fit in with those changes anymore? What if I can't pick up where I left off?
Ontario, Europe, Nova Scotia, Alberta, British Colombia, Taiwan, New Brunswick, and Quebec, thosands of miles now seperate me and some of my favorite people. I said goodbye to Bethany, a girl who is my kindred spirit. I said goodbye to Cassy, a person that I hope to be like someday. I said goodbye to my RA, Jaunita, who made coming to Providence less scary. I said goodbye to Cassia, my roomate, a woman who I shared my room and my life with for the last year. I said goodbye to Zach and Dan, who are 2 of the most amazing men I know. I said "see you later" to a guy that I deeply didn't want to say goodbye to, but I knew it was the best thing for the both of us. I said goodbye to Sarah, a girl who told me everyday that I was beautiful. I said goodbye to Matt, a guy who helped to restore my faith in a lot of things. I said goodbye to Lisa, a woman who loves Jesus with all she is. I feel like a big chunk of me is missing. I love these people. In some ways it makes me wonder if all of life is a series of goodbyes, old friends leave, new people come. I know beyond a doubt that God is more faithful than I can even grasp. He will provide for me, for my friends, and for our futures together and seperate. But it doesn't make those goodbye moments any easier.
"There are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis
Ontario, Europe, Nova Scotia, Alberta, British Colombia, Taiwan, New Brunswick, and Quebec, thosands of miles now seperate me and some of my favorite people. I said goodbye to Bethany, a girl who is my kindred spirit. I said goodbye to Cassy, a person that I hope to be like someday. I said goodbye to my RA, Jaunita, who made coming to Providence less scary. I said goodbye to Cassia, my roomate, a woman who I shared my room and my life with for the last year. I said goodbye to Zach and Dan, who are 2 of the most amazing men I know. I said "see you later" to a guy that I deeply didn't want to say goodbye to, but I knew it was the best thing for the both of us. I said goodbye to Sarah, a girl who told me everyday that I was beautiful. I said goodbye to Matt, a guy who helped to restore my faith in a lot of things. I said goodbye to Lisa, a woman who loves Jesus with all she is. I feel like a big chunk of me is missing. I love these people. In some ways it makes me wonder if all of life is a series of goodbyes, old friends leave, new people come. I know beyond a doubt that God is more faithful than I can even grasp. He will provide for me, for my friends, and for our futures together and seperate. But it doesn't make those goodbye moments any easier.
"There are far better things ahead, than any we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis
Friday, April 07, 2006
Hope Vs. Reality?
What I am about to write seems very ironic in light of my last post. Today I will write about how I have been holding on to a false hope. When things that I don't want to happen, do happen, I often find myself bordering on delusional. I want things to be right again so badly, that I can convince myself of almost anything. "It's probably not as bad as I think it is." "There's still a chance it could work out." Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was debating in my mind whether this was a good thing or not. On the one hand, hope is a good thing. Hope is what keeps us going when everything else is gone. Hope can make things seem brighter during times of darkness. But, on the other hand, if that hope isn't based in reality, is hope really a good thing? Then again, is any hope really based on reality? I'm still looking for the answers to these questions.
I was talking with my friend Cassy last night. (She's one of the wisest, most grounded people I have ever known) I was telling her about this hope that I had been holding on to and here's what she said, "Emily, you can't. You can't keep holding on to that. You're just going to go crazy if you do that. You're never going to get over all this if you don't let go."
Let go. I don't want to let go. Letting go is scary. Letting go hurts. Letting go feels like the end of a dream. So, here lies the big question, should I give up this hope I have been holding on to, or do I let go and move on?
-Em
I was talking with my friend Cassy last night. (She's one of the wisest, most grounded people I have ever known) I was telling her about this hope that I had been holding on to and here's what she said, "Emily, you can't. You can't keep holding on to that. You're just going to go crazy if you do that. You're never going to get over all this if you don't let go."
Let go. I don't want to let go. Letting go is scary. Letting go hurts. Letting go feels like the end of a dream. So, here lies the big question, should I give up this hope I have been holding on to, or do I let go and move on?
-Em
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Tonight I realized I have a demon. A contast figure on my shoulder that colors all I see in the world around me. A cold calculating presence that seems to alter my reality. And it's name: Cynicism. It's an ugly, ugly beast and I'm not sure when I became such a cynic. In high school, I was told to be the textbook idealist. Emily loved her happy endings. But somehow, while I was distracted by life, I became a cynic. The romantic movies I used to love now make me gag. The promises of the people around me seem to be empty even before they say them.
When it comes down to it, cynicism is a loss of hope. That inner belief that it's all going to work. In my head, the debate raged, "Of course you're cynical! Look at this last year! How can you not be? You have every right in this world to be angry and jaded." I felt justified in being cynical, life has handed me some hard realities these past couple weeks. But then, how can I, a woman who claims to wear the love of Christ on her sleeve really be so cynical? "Love always trusts, always hopes." Ouch. There it was, in plain English. Love always hopes. If I love Jesus, and his love is in me, hope comes with the package. That's a challenge for me. When I look at my life, and the life of many of my closet and dearest friends injustice is all lit up in neon lights. None of this is fair. Her happy ending didn't come. His dreams were stepped on. I have experienced life this year, and the more I see of this world the more I'm thrilled that this planet is a detour for something far better. Experience has taught me that humanity is horribly cruel, and unfathomable fallible. Why? Unfortunately, I have realized that there is no good answer for any of these questions. But for me, a follow of Christ, the only answer is to keep on hoping.
-"Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows."-David T. Wolf
When it comes down to it, cynicism is a loss of hope. That inner belief that it's all going to work. In my head, the debate raged, "Of course you're cynical! Look at this last year! How can you not be? You have every right in this world to be angry and jaded." I felt justified in being cynical, life has handed me some hard realities these past couple weeks. But then, how can I, a woman who claims to wear the love of Christ on her sleeve really be so cynical? "Love always trusts, always hopes." Ouch. There it was, in plain English. Love always hopes. If I love Jesus, and his love is in me, hope comes with the package. That's a challenge for me. When I look at my life, and the life of many of my closet and dearest friends injustice is all lit up in neon lights. None of this is fair. Her happy ending didn't come. His dreams were stepped on. I have experienced life this year, and the more I see of this world the more I'm thrilled that this planet is a detour for something far better. Experience has taught me that humanity is horribly cruel, and unfathomable fallible. Why? Unfortunately, I have realized that there is no good answer for any of these questions. But for me, a follow of Christ, the only answer is to keep on hoping.
-"Idealism is what precedes experience, cynicism is what follows."-David T. Wolf
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
