Down wit' da' DC Talk.

I went to Grand Forks yesterday and purchased "intermission: dc talk the greatest hits." It is a rippingly good CD. These guys write some the of most wonderful lyrics I have ever heard. However, by listening to their style of music, especially the early stuff, I have concluded that the 90's were a drak time in the music industry.


Life is a bunch of malarky, Emily

Buried emotions.

Today I bumped into an old crush of mine. We exchanged words and went about our business. He was with his girlfriend so I did my best to refrain from greeting him more enthusiatically than I did....that could be awkward.

The odd thing was that is wasn't the fact that I saw him (I assumed our paths would cross again at some point) it was my reaction to seeing him. Once I realized it was him, my heart began racing madly, had I been wearing a tighter shirt I sure my pulsating heart would have been visable to him, and I spent 3 minutes getting up the courage to say something. I was all but 100% postitive that all my feelings for him had dissloved. Apparently not. I had convinced myself that we would make a horrible match and, ironically enough, had just this morning congratulated myself on the fact that I rarely thought of him anymore. Maybe it's impossible for one's logical thoughts to conquer what one feels in their heart? It's a thought I pondered the rest of the day. That and I scruitinaized my every movement and word. I kicked myself for wearing my crappy, yet comfy, sweatshirt and for having my hair look so...blah. Meanwhile his adorable girlfriend looked perfect, as always, and her well-conditioned hair was blindingly shiny. Gag.

If anyone knows the answer to my burning question...do let me know.

-Emily

Headbanging boys and faces from the past...

I had an interesting discussion with my English teacher today. We are assigned to write an innugural address as if we were to be president. He was spouting off his typical "blah,blah can't inforce morality in schools, bush is a simple-minded twit" speal. Even though am I horribly wary of political debates of any kind thanks to M.A. I opened my yap and before I could stop myself said "Do we lose points if you don't agree with our speech?" He gave this agast look and said "What kind of person do you think I am?" He sat himself on the empty desk in front of me and situated his body as if it was going to be one of those long " how does that make you feel" speeches.

"Emily, don't you think I'm opened minded?" I had my doubts.

"Why don't you think I will like your speech?" Uh-oh, this was getting into dangerous territory. I would have to make an assumption about my teacher.

"Um...well, I think you're a democrat, and...um...I'm a republican in every sense, so I doubt we would see eye to eye on anything." There I said it.

He began to explain his political beliefs to me. He wasn't republican or democrat...or so he claimed. But he refused to tell me who he was voting for, although he would be voting. He made several statement that I found plain wrong. I would have corrected him if I hadn't been so intimidated by his being my teacher...he offered to give me an articale to read on What bush and Kerry really think.( Hmm...give me an article...where have I heard that one before?) I laughed at him. He's a CNN junkie. However, something tells me I haven't had the last of my discussion with Mr Jones. Maybe this time, I'll get it done right.

Shimmy, shimmy, shake, repeat, Emily

Shimmy. Shimmy. Shake. Repeat.

It's Thursday. That makes tomorrow Friday. Yayness.

Classes are being a bear. Mass Communication has the largest test of the entire year coming up next tuesday. We are going to start working on the next issue of the school paper. We barely got over the last ordeal. I'm going to try and broden my horizons and cover guy's basketball. I sports...but basketball is the one I could stand to cover. I would before I cover guys hockey. It's cold, stinky, and the hockey guys? well...everything you picture the hockey guys to be. They are.

English is painful. Our teacher is growing a gotee..it's straight-edged on the one side, rounded on the other. My powerful skills of reasoning lead me to conclude that he is blind in one eye.
We finished reading pygmalion in that class. It was the single most painful time in my life. I didn't know it was possible for somebody to read that poorly and still be a senior in high school. Ouch. I hurt. I got a perfect score on the test. The cute football player that corrected mine wrote "great job!" at the top. I found it noteworthy.

Choir is boring. My music partner holds the music as far away from my face as possible it seems. And our warm ups lead me to wonder who is this Otis fellow? And why is he sitting on a potato pan?

Creative writing, however, is fab! Our extremely sweet teacher and small easy going class makes the hour pass quickly. We wrote poems today. Apology poems. And I had to write mine on the board..."grand chatter" Mrs. Olsen told me I had done the original author proud. I laughed.

Quarter ends in one week. yippie. report cards.

Repeat, Emily

Blah.

I'm sitting here putsing around on the computer. I didn't have any homework tonight and no motivation to do anything worthwhile. I'm talking to Eric. He won tickets to a Roper concert. I'm excited for him. And jealous for him. My friend Laura won the 1,000 dollar scholarship I desperatly needed. I'm happy for her though. She's got scads and gobs of talent.

So I started filling out my Providence college application today. I got sick to my stomach. I can't go to college! I'm not mature enough! But I want to get out of Roseau so badly. I've done all I can here. Dwelling amongst the potato people. Blah. Blah.

Breakaway, Emily

Life as I know it...

First of all I wish to go on record by saying I have feelings of malice toward my alarm clock. It didn't go off this morning. I completely missed Sunday School and narrowly missed being late for church. I was very angry.

So I went to Providence college this weekend for their college days. It was gastly fun. I got to visit my friend Tyler as well as mingle with some lovely girlsin one of dormitories. I'm ready to go, to strike out on my own and to simply begin my life. My senior year seems to be nothing more than chains holding me back.

I also went to a lock-in this weekend. I saw some friends from camp and listened to the not-so-soothing sounds of "One Fall Short". All these people I knew when I was a little kid have grown up and are now....head banging guitarists. Ha. It was much fun...although I don't think I have ever been that tired in my life. I would blink and suddenly I would wake up 30 minutes later. It was insane

In Forward Motion, Emily

Interminable.

Interminable. It was on today's Advanced English vocabulary test. It means going on forever; having no end. Forever.

I watched "Raising Helen" last night. It was a charming movie, although it made me a bit weepy. I wanted the handsome pastor Dan to fall in love with me! Haha, no, not really. But I want somebody to fall in love with. And I feel as though I am destined to be unwed. My life as a free wheeling...spinster. Who needs men!? I'm smart confident and independent. Who needs to be tied down with a guy!? Not me. I shall to great and wonderful things for this world. By Myself. Take that world!

Any of you who know me know that I didn't mean the previous paragraph.
Well, most of it.

Huzzah, Emily

Crappy Saturday...

I'm having a bad day. I'm sick for the 3rd time in a month. I think there is some sort of mold farm growing under my bed causing these frequent illneses. Yuck.
My hair went flat today. Efforts to revive it with some musse didn't produce any long-lasting effects.
I have to write a paper about a childhood memory and I can't think of anything remotely interesting to write about and I feel guilty.

And on top of all my guilt a "friend" of mine spoke to me on MSN only to say..."Whoops! I opened the wrong window." He didn't want to talk to me...it was an . My self confidence took a nose dive.
Blah, Emily

I depise the education system

I am in school work hatred mode. My mass comm class delivers it's first issue of the school newspaper on Friday. My foolish peers didn't have their work done and I thouht my teacher was going to have a coronary. She yelled for while and then turned funny shades of red. She even gave us her blessing to beat up one of our classmates. I couldn't help but laugh.

My English teacher told me I had to write a report yesterday. It's due tomorrow. It's 500 words. Gag.

Waiting for MEA, Emily

And then the rains came...

I guess I don't know what I really thought would happen. Maybe it was some far off dream that I really began to believe would come true. That fairy tale that you knew to be true, only to find that Prince Charming never came for you. That the white horse is some old nag. That the man who is supposed to sweep you off you feet, has fallen flat on his face. Alas.

I'm just so sick of being different...

I'm a freak. It's not a shock to me, but still today I felt like even more a freak than I already am. Why must I be so different? I know living my life for Christ is the best thing...but why am I the only one who seems to think so?
I'm just so tired of the freak show. I'm a Jesus Freak even to the other Christians I know. My reputation as a goody-goody is spread far and wide on my high school campus. I think even the new sevies know I'm a goody-goody. I want to be known as wild and crazy. But I fear I'm a the 17 year old equivelant of Richard Cunningham. And what exactly is so grand about being different? This road of "higher calling" will result in what?
The Christians who live my brand of faith and lifestyle I can count on one hand. Somebody posed a question to me the other day that has been troubling my thoughts over the last couple days "What's so special about being a 17, never-been-kissed, never-had-a-boyfriend, never-even-been-on-a-date virgin?" What is so great about it? I think a lot about the day when I shall have guy to call my "significant other" but do guys really even care that you "saved yourself for them"?
My chats with my "christian" guy friends have resulted in comments from them such as " Why don't you kiss somebody?, I'm just trying to break you in?" *sigh* Is this all manhood is? Guys who really only care about one thing? Even the Christian ones?

Why live so extreme when there is no upside?

-Emily

Ascend...

School has offically started. I am now a senior in high school. Yes!
I'm taking 4 classes this year at the school. The rest homeschooled. My classes seem wonderful this year. Then again, we haven't really done anything yet. Mass Communication was nothing but defining terms for a quiz next week. English was learning our new teacher's "rules of respect" and discussing the patriot act. And creative writing was learning Mrs. Olsen's vision for her classroom. So far so good.
I tried out for the choir today. And, dispite my hideous audition, I am the newest 2nd. saprano for the concert choir. yay. I have gobs of friends in that class, which really excites me. And once I get my schedule down and really enter into the swing of things, I think I shall have a wonderful year.
And with the beginning of the school year comes... SEE YOU AT THE POLE! A wonderful prayer time for our beloved school and our peers. My youth pastor asked me to represent my youth group for SYATP this year. But, all that really means is I get to plan and recieve a free T-shirt. Even so, I'm terribly excited. I have the sense that God is going to do something really big in our school this year...and I want to be a part of it. Too bad nobody seems to share my vision. Everyone is depressed at can't wait for the year to end, but I think God has something wonderful in mind. The best is yet to come.

-Emily

My Joshua Stone...Continued

I shall now be able to write about what I was intending to the last entry.

Over the weekend, my youth pastor talked a lot about living radically, about knowing who you are in Christ, and not being afraid to stand up. I'm throughly sick of myself, of how I define who I am by my fears and my striking lack of self confidence. I'm a child of God...Who cares!? I've got so many more important things to do with my life, with this, my senior year, than just shuffle along never impacting anything. And this past weekend allowed me to realize that. I'm going to live my faith radically this year, to not care what people have to say, to proclaim Christ boldly and totally. I've only got one life to live. Why not live it up for Christ?

Reckless, Emily

My Joshua Stone...

Well, I returned yesterday from my youth group's fall kick-off. It was amazing. Dare I say it, it's not so terrible being a senior in the group...It might actually be o.k. *Gasp!* I like having the little kids look up to me- not that I'm anything to look up to. I told goofy stories to the girls at night, and enjoyed hearing them laugh at the stories. The boys heard about the stories which lead one of them to loudly proclaim "I wish I was a girl so I could hear Emily's stories!" The male leaders shooshed him in a hurry. I laughed.
It seems like the leaders treat me more like an equal..less like a youth to be bossed around. It's a very odd feeling. These people who I have looked up to for the last 2 years now seem to see me on thier level. And it's not such a bad thing. Maybe the best years aren't gone...maybe they are just beginning. Hmmm

More about this weekend to come- Emily

Disillusioned with Love..

This is really sad. I'm quite disillusioned with the "love", romance, dating scene...and I've never even been on a date. Whoa, that is a soo pathetic. It's so shallow, all of it. It's just a bunch of hormone-driven guys, and looks-obsessed girls proclaiming their love to eachother only to break up a week later and go after the next hott person. Maybe I've just seen too many crappy dating relationships to be very excited about entering the dating scene. But it seems like even those really godly couples, those people who do it right and honor God with their relationship still get burned. It seems so unfair. You can do and say and live all the right things in your dating relationship and it can still not work out. Love is appearing a bit too risky for my tastes at the moment.

I'm Not Single- I'm Liberated, Emily

Changing Colors...

As much as I dispise the activities that come along with the fall season (school, college people leaving) I do adore the fall season. The leaves changing, the smell of apple cider, hayrides, chilling evenings. Ahhh, fall is most definately my favorite season. I adore the the look and feel of it. For some odd reason the changing of summer to fall always make me feel very meloncaly and nostalgic. I wonder what the coming year will hold. And glance back at what I've done over the past year. It's a bit like taking a personal inventory. And I can't help but wonder what the coming year will hold.
I read a devotional last night that begged the question "Can you believe in God your whole life, but not believe Him?" The answer was, of course, yes. And how many times this summer have I done that? I've believe in Him, but not believed Him. I haven't trusted him as much as I know I should have. But can a human being really not, at times, doubt the exsistense of a God who they have no aboslute proof of? I mean we can say "God did this or God brought this together." But we can't really know can we? As humans who can only be postive of what we know through our five senses..how can we relate to the invisible God?

More thoughts on this later, Emily

To be young again...

My big brother moved out today. It sucks. I haven't spent much time with him the last few years...and now that time is gone. It's so wierd, where did the time go? The future snuck up on me and I was too busy to notice.
My friends Eric and Anneliesse left for college this week, Tyler, Ryan, Leah, and Amanda all depart in the coming weeks.
It's not fair! I want more time!! I want to be 13 again and live it all over again!
It's just not fair! Why!? Why didn't anyone warn me that I was gonna want to live it over again!? Why didn't somebody tell me that these years were going to be the best!?
*sigh* I don't want things to change. I don't wanna say goodbye anymore. No more, I want life to stay as it was...forever.
I know this sounds lame, but I don't want this to be my last year of youth group at my church. It's been such a huge part of my life...and now..it's going to be gone. The few friends that I do have who are younger, their lives are gonna go on. Without me. I feel like I'm gonna be missing out. We are all gonna be adults and starting our lives...without eachother. No best friends by our sides, no support. I suddenly feel very alone.

Emily

This one is for the girls

The title of this blog is a line of from my most favorite song. "Beautiful"- Bethany Dillion. That song finally put into words how I have felt from the day I turned 13. I shall now type the lyrics..and then write something thought-provoking about them.

"Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful

*Tear* I'm quite sure all you girls out there are sniffling and dabbing your eyes with a kleenex. It's never easy being a girl, I can say with 100% certainty that every girl I have ever known has struggled with some sort of self-image issue. And at times I wonder "How can a girl not?" With perfect models in the magazines, singers with abs so tight you could bounce a quarter off 'em, and guys who seem to see nothing but the way you look, how can it not hurt? Nobody looks perfect, and I know, I know, it is air-brushed but, it's so hard at times. To feel less than beautiful...at times to feel downright...ugly. What a girl wants most is to know she is worthy of love. She is somebody. That she is beautiful. So, if there are any guys reading this..please, let us know that.

How does a girl go on in the face of a standard of perfection she can never reach? Well, I have yet to discover the perfect formula. I still struggle, I still have those days when I wake up and think "I'm not eating anything", where I put on so much make-up that you need paint stripper to get it all off. But as the last set of lyrics says, Jesus is a big part of winning this battle. He is the guy who tells us we are worthy, and beautiful. *Sigh* My Prince Charming...Jesus.
Guess what I'm saying is..it's not worth it to starve ourselves, to blow all our cash on cosmetics, and to hurt inside over it. I doubt anyonewill ever read this but...for what it's worth, Jesus thinks you're beautiful.

Not too Preachy, Emily

Boring day, too much time to think.

My life has been so uneventful this past week that's it is beginning to take a great toll on my mental state. When I have all this time to myself it forces me to look at my life as it is. To think about people..friends now turned enemies. To think about the people who promised to be your best friend forever and ever when you were 14, and now won't even speak to you. Ha, life has a way of showing you cruel irony. Reality is a cruel master. Not that I'm bitter about how my life has come to be, but I can't help but, in these moments of silence, wonder how my life would be now if I was still close with these people. If time hadn't passed, if I had just done what I was expected to do, if I had acted differently. I regret so many times in the last few years. Why didn't just...oh, there is no point in wondering. You can't go back.
And I fear I'm the only one who feels this way. I attemped to explain this odd emotion to a friend today, and they offered me a rather condesceding "Oh, well, life goes on" type of response. Like I was some foolish little kid, and was immature for thinking such a thing. I wanted to shout at them, but of course I didn't. If I said half the things I think at times out loud, I probably wouldn't still exsist. Ha. I had a friend once who always said what she thought whenever she thought it. It got her in trouble the vast majority of the time, but it also got her some very true friends. Not one shallow person would talk to her, her honesty drew a different breed of people to her. Alas, I lack the courage to be like her. I want people to like me too much. I feel very discouraged at this moment.

-Emily

Oh, how the years go by...

I have come to a startling conclusion. College is nothing more than a conspiracy to take away my closet friends. Curse you higher education!!

Today my friends Eric and Anneliesse both departed for college. Packing up the past 18 years of thier lives into cardboard boxes to be able to pursue their dreams.

It doesn't seem real, we are all still 13 years old, all still in the middle of orthadoncia, all still doing puppet ministry, all still one big happy family, with years of highschool ahead. Now dreams and hopes have been transformed into a vision and plans. Our once similar dreams are now a diverse as the people we have grown into. Shawn is off to the army, Tyler to be a youth pastor, Eric an english lit. major, Anneliesse is entering the business world. Funny how the day you thought would never come, and the life you thought would never end...has ended. And here I am, still puttering around in highschool. My future looming in the horizon. Unsure of where my future will take me, but convinced the journey to get there will be nothing short a astounding. Their departing makes me more aware that the life I have known so clearly for the last 5 years is never to be the same again, new people are coming into it, and the old departing, It's like a painful amputation, and the slow and difficult process of having a fake limb attached and learning how to work with it. You will be able to do all the same thing as before, just not in the same way. I will live my life as always..but with a new way of living.

This entry made no sense- Emily