An Open Letter to a God Who Knows All

What is this supposed to look like? What does desperate devotion to You look like? Will I know when I have surrendered everything to You? How can I know what your will is? There are so many questions I have to ask, so many answers I need to know. But I am small, and you are great. I am finate, and you are infinate. There's so much I don't know. I fear myself to be completely inadequate forever. I don't pretend to understand all that you do, all that you promise, or all that you are. But, you are. And somehow I need to wrap my pathetic little mind around that. And sometimes that task seems so great, that I want to curl up in a little ball on the floor and hide from what I don't know. Then, you tell me that what I don't know doesn't matter to you. You don't expect me to understand all you are, but you love me in spite of my total ignorance. You love me in spite of how many times I get so scared by how much I don't that I run away from your presence. As if trying to figure out life on my own is somehow easier to do. All I know is that you a good and that you love me. And that must be enough.

I have nothing.

This past weekend, my college put on a large Christian conference for Senior High Schoolers. It was an awesome weekend with a lot of awesome young people converging on my campus. They screamed, applauded, cried, and worshiped. I had a few different responsibilties and enjoyed the whole event quite throughly. I also saw Kutless in concert for the second time. Seeing that many people so excited about worshiping God through music was amazing.

The highlight of the weekend for me personally was going to a workshop put on by a friend. He talked about the inward battle that rages inside of all Christians. The battle of my will and wants versus God's will and wants for me.

For the past couple of weeks I have been plauged by a horrible fear of dissapointing God. I want so much to please him and make him proud of me. But it seemed that every where I turned I was falling short. I had begun to hate everything I did. I was so angry at myself for not wanting all that God wanted. I saw the selfishness inside of me so clearly. Why can't I just want what God wants? I felt like such a failure. This feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, so much so that I found myself gaging in the washroom a few times this past week. And on this past Friday night I went to a late night worship session with a couple of friends. As I looked up at the words on the screen I wanted so much to mean the words, but I knew I didn't. I curled up on the chair and sat there watching my friends worship. I hated my humanity so much.

The next day, Saturday, I went to my friend's workshop. He showed a clip of Golom/Smegal from the Lord of the Rings movie. I felt like that little creature, always fighting my own self. It was so encouraging to hear someone talk about the battle. It was if God was saying, "You're not alone. All my children face this. Keep seeking me." In the workshop, he played a song that had been stuck in my head and heart all week. As he pushed the button on the C.D. player and the first words of the song came on, I fought back tears. Jesus is all I have. My humanity matters nothing. I have nothing without Jesus.

So I thought I'd post the lyrics to this song, I hope you find it as encouraging as I do.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fal
lFor Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?

For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You

For what do I have If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter Of my head
Lifter of this head


I have nothing.

He Believes in Me...

I'm sitting comfortably in my little black folding chair in the college lecture theater. This morning's joy: Music Appreciation class. My professor just said something in German, I know I should listen, but my brain doesn't work before 10:00. Too bad this class ends at 9:45 a.m, eh? (Yes, I'm sorry, I did just say eh) A soprano voice is singing out opera now. The guy in front of me is chewing on his pen. The blonde girl across the room has fallen asleep. There is a leak in the ceiling, and a persistent dripping is directly behind my head. Oh the joys of college life.

Youth Encounter, the big Christian conference that my school puts on for teenagers ever year, is exactly one week away. I am freakishly excited. The school is beginning to take shape for the event, and everyone seems to be doing something. I'm part of the team that will be praying with/counseling teens who come forward for the altar call. So we had a training session for that. I'm starting to feel really nervous about it. What if I pray wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? I'm probably just paranoid, but what if I'm bad at this. It's what I love to do, but what if I'm bad at what I love to do. Eeeep, now that is a frightening thought.

Love, or something like it, is blossoming in the lives of my friends. I stayed awake until 2:00 in the morning talking with a friend who had just had a DTR. Translation: Defining The Relationship. What every girl wants and doesn't want. There were a couple of other instances last night of my friends falling in love, but I promised to keep mute about them. I love seeing them so happy, seeing their dreams become a reality. Even though I have spent a large part of my 2 weeks here at school bemoaning the cruelity of certain young men, my silly little girlish heart still was excited to hear of all the happy things happening to my girls. I wish them all the best.

This coming Sunday, my touring drama ministry group, the Prov. Players will be performing in Winnipeg. It will be our first big show. We're performing and touring with Prov's "plugged in" worship band, Aslan's Child. It's going to be really exciting I'm sure.

Finally, it's time for Emily's Cool God Lesson of the Week. Last night, I worked at my Jr. High youth group in Stienbach as I do every week. And we watched a video by Rob Bell. For those of you who don't know, Rob Bell is a rather amazing pastor who producing video sermon type things. My friend Allie described it as "very post-modern". The most striking feature is how conversational Mr. Bell is in these videos. In this video he talked about how we may believe in God, but God also believes in us. He wouldn't have calles us to be Christians if he didn't believe that we could do it. He has faith in me as much, probably more, than I have in him. In so many things in my life, I shrink away from them with the all too familiar words, "I can't do that" But if the God of the Universe believes I can, why am I afraid. He believed that tax collecters, fishermen, and prostitutes had the power to impact the world for Christ. He believed in those that others had turned away. And I know that he believes in me.

May you be covered in the dust of your Rabbi

...So she bought me a scarf.

I'm once again back at Providence College for a second semester. I can already sense how remarkably different this semester is. Everything seems different. I'm not going to lie, I think this semester will be exteremly hard. Not in terms of academics, in fact, I think my studies will be easier this semester than last. But emotionally and spiritually, this will be a hard semester. The odd part of it is, I don't think any of my outside circumstances have changed, it's something inside of me that is changed. I don't know what's changed, but something has.

I had a really bad week. I feel so frustrated with myself. Mostly, with how I relate to people. I'm a sarcastic person, but I think a couple of my comments have been over the line this week. I'm so angry at myself for saying those things. I fear I may have alienated one of the very few guy friends I have here at school.

I watched a movie with some friends tonight. I felt really socially awkward. There was a guy there whom I deeply repect, and I didn't feel good enough to be his friend. I fear losing his respect.

I also don't pretend to understand guys. All hope to understand them has been vanquished over the years. But why a guy would say things he doesn't mean boggles me. I suppose girls do it too. But insincerity makes me cry. I see words not matching actions. I see promises not being kept. I see secrets not being kept.

My friend Bethany felt bad about my week so she bought me a scarf.

The Easy Choice or the Right Choice?

The end of another year is approaching, and the relative "unknowness" of 2006 looms in the future. I was at my Grandparent's house the last few days, and because they live in the middle of absolute nowhere I had the chance to catch up on some of my reading. For some reason, I felt compelled to read a book I've had for a couple of years but hadn't read through in a long while. It's another one those Christian purity books. And I don't mean that in a flippant way, I think purity of mind and body is an important issue for young Christians and our generation.

As I read though it, I was struck with a harsh reality. Many of the bad decisions that the book warned against, I've made. So many of the promises I made to myself have fallen by the wayside. This year is not one that I will look back on and think, "gee, I made a lot of wise, godly decisions this year." And oh, how I regret it. I made the easy choices.

For me, the foolish decisions always seem to be the easy ones. The ones where I don't think. It's easy to do the wrong thing, it's hard to do the right thing. It always seems that way, why can't the right choice be easy for me? The closer I look at the year 2005, I'm almost glad I made some easy choices. Don't misunderstand me, I really really wish I had done the right thing. But now that I have made some easy choices, I feel like I have a better understanding of what sin is.

All too often, I feel, in Christian circles we portray sin and obvious, and easy to spot. But the truth of it that sin is sometimes disguised. It wears a pretty mask. Sin rarely seems wrong to us. And this year, I was too niave of a Christian to see that. This didn't look like sin. But now that I've seen sin, fallen into it, and faced it's consequences, I know what it looks like, and I refuse to be decived by it again. I don't want to make the easy choices.

Friends

Since the vast majority of people who read this blog are friends from my non-college life. I thought I should introduce you all to some of the people who make my college life the greatest thing since sliced bread. And I get to show how great everyone looks in their fancy clothes. :)

Left to Right: Joanie, Bethany, Me, & Christina
All of these girls rock. All of them are crazy fun and funny. Bethany and I are alike in so many ways it's almost scary. But good scary.



Left to Right: Zach, Dan, Graham, and Clint.
These are 4 of the coolest guys I know. These fellows have charisma, humor, and gentlemanly skills. And I'm sure there are four very lucky young women out there for these guys.









Jaunita and Matt. Jaunita is my friend/RA. She's the so enthusiatic and happy all the time. She has more self-confidence than anyone I have ever met. Matt is, like me, a Communications major. He's a nice guy and super talented at communication stuff. I have made it my academic goal to give Matt a challenge. A high persuit, I know. :P



This is a picture of another Matt and Lisa...oh, and Matt's banquet date, Reese Witherspoon. Lisa is my next door neighbor here in dorm. She has a great laugh, and sings like an angel. We already decided to be roomates next year. Matt is fun fellow. And quite possible the tallest, thinnest man I have ever met. I can't think of a single person on this campus who doesn't think Matt one of the coolest people alive.


So, those are just some of my friends/Favorite people here at Providence. But now, finals week is upon me, and I fear falling behind. Blessings!

-Em

The Want

When I want something, I want it. But if I have never experienced it I'm okay with not having that thing. But when I get a tiny taste of thing that I want, suddenly I want that thing 1,000 times more than I ever did in the first place. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

-Em

Thy will be done...

Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done? This phrase has been weighing on my heart quite often lately. To put it simply, the day I gave control of my life over to God was I day I died. There was no more Emily. Or, at least, there shouldn't be. But for the past month I have become aqutely aware of the fact that there is still an awful lot of Emily left in my life. And I hate it.

Up until I arrived at Providence I never questioned whether I was following God's will. I just assumed that I was doing what God wanted me to do. I thought that I was a good Christian, doing exactly what I supposed to do. But as each day here passes I'm becoming more and more aware of who I want to be, and how far I am from being that person now.

It's now a daily question, Am I living in God's Will for my life? I'm terrified of the idea that I'm not exactly where God wants me to be. I do believe that Providence is where he wants me. Any place that causes me to take an honest look at who I am is a place that I need to be. The question of my major is one that has been weighing on me lately. I love communications, I love my Proffessor, I love my program, and I really think that I would enjoy working in it some day. But I feel like I lack passion. I look at some of the others in my program and they have such talent, passion, and enthusiasm for the communications profession. And I don't.

When I look back on my life thus far, brief as it has been, I clearly remember the times when I felt beyond a doubt that I was following the will of God. And I feel as though God might be calling me to some sort of full-time Christian ministry. Not that any job can't be a ministry, but I mean a full-time ministry careeer. And that terrifies me.

"When the will of God crosses the will of man- somebody has to die."- Addison Leitch

-Em

I wondered Abba Father
Why did you make me?
I don't feel pretty
Not wise
Nothing lovely to see

I wondered O King most high
You who created the highest peaks
The shining stars
The raging, powerful seas
Would create such a thing as me?

I see now, Lover of my soul
You make no mistakes
I am your beautiful creation
Your beloved child
And when I was angry
You still loved me all the while

Be still, and know that I am God...

Today was a wonderful day. It was my first college snow day. I awoke this morning to find that the little white flakes that begin falling yesterday afternoon had turned into roughly a foot of snow. The fields and trees that 24 hours ago had been a drab, dead brown had been transformed into a brilliantly white panorama. And, much to my great joy, when I signed on to the the college internet network, a small notice popped up on the screen. The simple white box, with black font inside read, "Notice: Classes are cancelled today due to the storm." It felt like Christmas morning. After going around the dorm to share my joyious news with my roomate and whomever else would listen to me, I crawled back under the covers and slept for another 3 hours. The rest of the day was spent relaxing with the girls in dorm and finishing up a couple of papers.

This week had been such a stressful one. Everything was coming due, and I wasn't satisfied with how my papers were turning out. A friendship here was becoming strained. The burden of financial stress of next semester was weighing on my shoulders. I had been getting so little sleep. My horrible schedule had pushed my quiet times out of the picture, leaving me feeling spiritual dry. Late last night, while working on a paper due in 8 hours, I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I sat in the dark and cried. I resigned myself to the idea of everything falling apart and I climbed into bed for a few hours of sleep.

But God taught me a lesson through this snow day. Everything, absolutely everything, stopped for the day. Time slowed down and everything was beautiful in its pure virgin whiteness. God sent the snow and God could take it away. He is in control and reigns over all creation. And he reigns over my life. "Stop running, Emily. Stop panicing. It's going to be okay. Be still and know that I am God." God is in control, I can stop being so overwhelmed and worried. I can trust him to take care of me. The stillness of creation under the quiet white snow is like my soul under the watch of my King.

Lessons of a Six Week Freshman

College. The institute of higher learning. The place where young men and women go to expand their minds and their worlds. I have now been among these students for six weeks. And what a ride it has been. I've already been challenged and taught in ways I never imagined. Interestingly enough, most of the important lessons I didn't learn from my classes or my proffessors, but from my peers and my experiences. I thought I'd share some of my new found wisdom with you... The lessons are as follows.

If you attend a college of 400 students, assume that everything you do and say will become talked about. I don't mean this in an egotisical way. I'm not saying that my life is of the greatest importance to every member of this college. But I am learning that if you say anything positive or negative it's going to come back to bite you in the bum.

Just because everyone around is a legal adult in age, it doesn't not mean that they are fully socially developed. Since arriving at college I have never met so many socially clueless people in my life. I'm not sure if I attract such people...or if there is just a lot of them. People who seem to have no concept of what polite conversation is or personal space. It's a bit unnerving.

Roomates are a most interesting concept. I'm not sure who came up with the idea of college roomates. But it is a strange idea to be sure. Take two total strangers, who may or may not have anything in common, place them in room no bigger than my thumb, pronounce them roomates, and say "live". Cassia, my roomie, has taught me a lot about how to peacefully co-exsist with another person. Everyone has their little quirks, learn to love them.

The home that you grew up in suddenly becomes your parents house. I went home for a visit over break last week only to discover that my house of 18 years was now my parents house. I felt like a guest who was visiting. It dawned on me then that I consider Providence my home now. Wierd.

Chivalry is not dead. Since arriving at Prov, I have met some wonderful young men. Guys who actually treat a girl like a lady. Opening doors, walking her back to dorm when it's dark, pulling out her chair. It's wonderfully refreshing to see.

Nothing is more wonderful than dorm life. I'd definatly say that living in dorm has been the best experience ever. I have so many great people in my dorm. It's like one giant slumber party. The girls I live with are becoming my closest friends. And they are constant sources of wisdom about how to survive classes, guys, and how to follow God with all you have. For example, yesterday I was having a really crappy day. And 3 of girls from my dorm spontaniously prayed for me. During dinner time, surrounded by people eating and talking, they offered my problem up to God. And then they took me to a movie to cheer me up. :) I heart dorm life.

-Em

Hello from Providence!

Hey Everyone! I'm alive, and quite well. This is my first official post as a providence college student. I'll tell you all what's been going in the last week.

I arrived here last Monday with my mom and dad, both of whom were crying before we had even reached Steinbach. It was kind of a surreal experience, finally moving into dorm and all. I had a room all to myself for the first night, until the next day when my super-cool roomie Cassia moved in. She's a third year student, and finishing her final year as a drama major. We get along quite well it seems.

We did all the freshmen orientation stuff, I've met so many people in past 6 days that my brain has turned to watery lime jello. But I've met a lot of really cool people here. The thing that I find is so strikingly different from high school is the freakish absence of cliques. I haven't met a single person yet who isn't friendly and open to talking with anyone. It's pretty awesome.

I'm finally starting to feel settled. I will go on record as saying the day I arrived here was the scariest, most terrifyingly alone day of my life. But things are getting better. I'm fighting off a horrible cold, been dosing up on the vitaman C and sudafed. I started classes on Thursday. My schedule this semester includes: Intro. to Christianity, Spiritual Formation, Intro. to Communications and Media, Writing for the Marketplace, and Principles of Journalism. I think as long as I stay on top of my studies, I will be able to handle all my courses.

I'm still feeling really uncomfortable about one aspect of school. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in, my niche as it were. I'm kinda of trying to make a name for myself here at school but it's so hard. I don't want it to be the way it was in high school. Where I had only a few friends and nobody notices my exsistence...ugh. I tried out for the Prov. Players and I made the call-back audtions but then after the interview I got cut. I really thought I was going to make it, so did everyone else. I prayed really really hard that I would make it, so people could start to notice who I am...but obvisiouly it didn't. So it was kinda of a downer weekend. I was a talking to a friend about not making the Prov. Players, and she told me there was no way I wasn't good enough...but that God must have something else in mind for me. I just wish He would show me what that something is. I know I'm supposed to be here....but why?

I'll post more adventures soon!

-Emily
P.S. Old school style roller skating is a blast!

Summer Memories...

I've spent my evening packing my bags, looking over my orientation schedule, and finalizing all the details for my departure to Providence College the day after tomorrow. Just 2 days, wow. But as I look forward to school and the fall I also glance back at my summer and look at some of my favorite memories. (Thanks to Ty for the inspiration and structure style of this post.)

Watching my 11 and 12 year old campers try and sneak out of the cabin while I was still awake, when then climbed into their bunks with their clothes and shoes on...I got suspicious.

The countless times at camp when I unintentionally said something that sounded really dirty, and everyone laughed. Michelle would pat me on the head condescendingly. I would then realize what I had said...and go die of embarassment. John would later tell me it was "okay." Some of my friends now affectionately refer to such times as "Emily moments."

Listening to Michelle release her "bat laugh"

3 words: Numa Numa Song.

Asking Andrew how one makes holy water to which he responded "You boil the heck out of it."

Realizing how many times I fell for one of Marvin's stories. Wow.

Playing the "kissing game" at camp and having Tyler kiss my hand everytime. And wrestling with my boss as he tried to kiss my hand....lil' awkward.

"Primal displays of affection!"

Having a pudgy nine year old camper of mine dancing in the cabin, singing, "I like to move it move it."

Going swimming at Midnight.

Watching Sammy drive Marvin's boat while singing "In the navy"

Having Matt Sharpe, (the planet's coolest camp speaker) show me how to write a devotional and talking and praying with me.

Giving a talk in front of the whole church and not passing out.

Seeing my awesome friend Lyssa paint an amazing mural in just 9 hours. Insanity.

Having Lauren live with me for 3 days, and going to see Lindsay get married. Lauren and I sticking our feet out the van window, and put on make-up while driving to Warroad. That week was so fun.

John quote: "People like him are goldfish, Emily, we just flush 'em away."

Having my little sister as a fellow counselor, a camper in my cabin, and a fellow camper all in one summer.

Lying out in north field making wishes on shooting stars with Andrew and Michelle.

Meeting Toni McQuown, and realizing that all the of the McQuowns officially rock my face off.

Hearing Toni talk about wanting to put baby Kylee's stroller on "Pimp my Ride."

Counselor Meetings were some of the best times in my life.

The time I accidentally punched Andrew in the nose. I was then motrified and apologized profusely. He laughed and told me I had a good hit.

When Jake and Mike (2 of my campers) hitch-hiked while in my care. I smell a lawsuit.

These are not all of my cool memories...and I will post more of them soon.

Viva' La Summer! -Emily

Do something about it.

I had the day off from work yesterday and so I ended up spending much of my evening watching the news coverage of Hurricane Katrina. I have never seen such devastation. It was so heart-breaking. Pictures of dead bodies lying on the sidewalk. One body of an old man in a wheelchair somebody had thrown a blanket over, in his hand was clutched a scrawled note of where to find his next of kin. It was so painful to watch. I want to buy a plane ticket, cases and cases of water, and go do something. I felt guilty going to my fridge and grabbing a bottle of water, when baby were dying of dehydration. But sitting there, something occured to me.

Who was bringing me this story? Who was showing all of America what was really happening and speaking for the poor, the ill, and the dying, and saying "look this is happening!People are dying! Donate, pray, do something!" It was the newscasters. And I really thought to myself. That's what I want to do. I want to go to the natural disasters, to the war zones, to the famines. And say to the nations "see this? We must to something!" I want to cover that. I want to show that to the governments, to the people and help. I knew that I wanted to do something in communications and media...(thus my college major). So that's my idea, to show the comfortable, complacent, people sitting in their livingrooms what's really happeining. And hopefully motivate them to get up, and do something about it.

-Em

Saying Goodbye...

The college countdown is officially now at 13 short days. Wow. My pre-freshman jitters keep me awake at night. I'm doing my best not to worry, but my history as the world's biggest worrywort still catches up with me at times. My emotions are a mixture of crazy excitement, like the adrenaline you get before going on stage on opening night, and insane fear, like that sickening dropping feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are falling from an unsafe height.

I've been saying goodbye to a lot of people in last couple weeks. My brother hugged me goodbye last week as he prepared to return to college and his apartment and told me to have fun at school and "if I ever need protection or anything...you know where to find me." I certainly do. I said good luck and goodbye to Eric and Michelle as they bravely return to their sophmore year at Northwestern. And Scot left for PCC yesterday. We exchanged hugs and "good lucks" in church. My youth pastor, his wife, and darling daughter had their last sunday at my church. They're off to Steinback to start a new job at a new church. I can't believe how many people are leaving, and how much everything is changing.

I went to see my grandparents this weekend. They offered me sage wisdom about college...in between my Grandpa's World War II stories. Grandma hugged me, and warned me to "lock my doors at night, and make sure you dress warm when it get's cold." My grandpa shook my hand and said " Don't show them how smart you are right away, you've gotta sneak up on those professors. And make an impression on those folks." I assured him that I would.

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."- C.S. Lewis

The great adventure...

Hey All, I have the house to myself this evening. Just me and my fab new laptop computer so I thought I'd share the thoughts on my mind. There hasn't really been much going on in my life lately, I've been getting ready to head off to college. My room is an explosion of office supplies, towels, and suitcases.. I believe I've gotten everything I need, so I now I must play the waiting game. I get more and more excited as the day approaches, but I'm also scared out of my wits. I try not to think about all the things that could go wrong. All the things that I may not b able to handle...but my brain is trouble. I have a feeling that this year will be the most terrifying, frightening, amazing, wonderful year of my life.

I think of the apostle Peter, he knew where Jesus was asking him to go, and he knew full well everything that he was leaving behind. But he went, trusting that God would take care of him. I know that God is calling me to Providence..but I'm scared. Jumping in with both feet is the only option. This is my life now, as my mom told me on my 18th. birthday I no longer have to answer to her, I answer to God directly. I don't want to answer God by saying, "Sorry Lord, I'm scared. I'm going to stay in Roseau in my comfort zone, I don't care if I know what you want from me. I too scared.

God took Peter on one of the greatest adventures in history. He lead him some of the most terrifying and wonderful experiences ever. And I trust that the same God who did that who did that for Peter has some amazing plans for me. Let the adventure begin...

-Em

Wish You Were Here.

I miss you. I find it strange that I could miss someone so much when I have never met them. I really wish I could see you, meet you, and fall in love with you. It's been a long summer, watching friends get married, seeing Scott with his girlfriend, and even Cierra has a boyfriend now. I feel rather alone at times. I was out looking at the stars the other night, and I wished you were there looking at God's amazing creation with me. I wonder what you are doing right now, what you look like, and if you ever think of me. I worked at camp this summer with some really great brothers in Christ, I think of how blessed their future wives are going to be. And how it's going to take a pretty special girl to win their heart.
I hope I turn your heart, and not your head. I hope that God will bring you into my life soon. I see so many of my friends falling in love with men who don't love Christ. It breaks my heart to see that, but I know that You love Christ. I want you to love Him more than you love me. And I mean that, I know that anyone who can love and obey an almighty God that he can't even see will encourage me to love Him all the more. So, wherever you are tonight, I want you to know I miss you and I pray for you. And I look forward to the day that I see your smile. I wish you were here.

Love in Christ, Emily

My Summer. Awful...Wonderful

So my summer is coming to a close. I have finished all my ministry work for the summer. I move into my dorm in a mere 28 days. In many ways this has been the best summer of my life.
I had the crappiest spring of my life. Everything in my life went wrong. I would sleep for hours and hours because I d being awake, because when I was awake I thought about all this painful stuff. And then summer came. I really encoutered God this summer. I finally feel very secure in my relationship with Him. I really know that I am totally commited to him and his service. Do I still screw up? Every single day. Am I anywhere near where I want to be in my relationship with him? No. But this journey is only beginning, I want to fall in love with the lover of my soul.
Included in my crappy spring were some pretty dumb choices of mine, including an emotional attachment to a guy who didn't give a crap about me. I won't bother you all with the foolish details, but I got hurt. More hurt than any of my guys whims in the past. I got so angry at guys in general. If he didn't want me, who would? All guys only care about themselves. I'd lost hope that real men exsisted. But it was through the guys at camp this year that God showed me otherwise. My "boss" Troy in the way he treats his wife and kids is like Christ. He's wise, patient, and understanding. He didn't kiss his wife until his wedding. I'd never met a guy willing to make that kind of commitment.
In particular, my friend John, (who is dating my dearest Lauren Elizabeth :) ) really restored my faith in the male gender. He's a total gentleman and he treats Lauren so wonderfully. He is persuing God whole-heartedly and he is my age. I'd never met somebody my age who has that kind of attitude. Guys like Ty, Troy, and John are harder to find...but the fact that they exsist is a wonderful feeling. :)
I really realized this summer how much I love camp. Not just LBBBC, but just the camp atmosphere in general. At this point in my life, I really feel God's leading to work full-time in camp ministry. So that is my plan for next summer. Hopefully, I'll learn as many important things next summer, as I did this summer.

-Em

Legal Adult

Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday. In the eyes of the government I can now vote, smoke, gamble, and go to war. I can get married without parental consent and sign all my own official forms. I find that rather crazy. One day you have very limited rights and 24 hours later you are an adult. Wierd. It was a nice birthday, I watched movies with Leah Lou and Lyssa and ate cake. Mmmmm.

This past weekend was a dear friend of mine, Lindsey's, wedding. She was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. White dress, and the biggest smile on her face. During the ceremony she couldn't keep her eyes off of her husband. She had told me the night before that "when the right one comes along you'll just know."

Maybe this year will be the year I meet "the right one." I'm not usually too bothered by my singlehood. But lately that wishing seems to be more aqute. Ever since graduation I've had so many people ask me if I have a boyfriend. When I respond with no, they give me a look of pity. Camp has always made the single thing harder. Simply because I'm spending weeks in the company of good christian guys it makes me wish I had a guy like them to spend lots of time with. And you have that camp relationship thing happening too. My dearest friend Lauren is dating a fellow counselor John....(they're stinking adorable together.) Michelle has a nifty boyfriend whom she tells me romantic stories about. James is dating a girl I have known since I was like 5 years old. It's hard. It's hard typing about this when my little sister is sitting on the couch with her boyfriend 3 feet away.

This came out really depressing. But I believe he's out there. And I'll find him....until then, I like who I am.

-Em

Definition: Jesus

Hey All, I know it's been a very long time since I last posted but I have insanely busy with camp work and a mission trip. Which is the topic of this post. The mission trip that changed my life and my perspective in ways I never dreamed possible. God is such an amazing God. So I thought I'd share with all of you the way He changed everything for me on my mission trip to International Falls, MN. (Yes, God can still do cool stuff even in I. Falls)

First off, I should say that this past spring I really fell away from God. I made a lot of mistakes, none of which I'm proud of, all of which I regret. I wasn't living to please my Savior, my wants became my greatest persuit. And when I finally did reach the point of regret over my actions, I felt so much shame and guilt over what I had done that I couldn't bring myself to come back to God. Everytime I sat down to read my bible, to pray, or tried to spend time with my Christian friends, that little voice in my head would say "What do think you're doing? Stop faking. You don't belong to this group anymore. What would happen if they knew who you really are? You're a failure to God, admit it." The shame was killing me. And so I promised myself that I would spend this whole summer in Christian ministry paying Him back, making up for lost time, and trying to earn His favor back. (Yeah, I know, greeeeeat idea, huh?)

And so our mission trip began. The first night's devotional was about seeing Jesus and looking to see how he was working in the community. I sensed God saying to me "You're so busy looking at your past, and beating yourself up over this spring, that you can't see me working." Naturally, this thought troubled me greatly. So talked to a wise friend of mine about this thought. He encouraged me to confess each mistake before another christian and pray over the past and seek God's healing for my past.

That's what I did the next night. I can safely say that confessing was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I cried. (Then again, I cry at pretty much everything.) My friends forgave and prayed for me. It was really incredible.

The next day God totally changed my outlook. Someone made a statement that reminded me of one of my mistakes, and instead of the feelings of shame, guilt, and the over-whelming desire to puke. I felt forgiven. It was gone, all of it, the pain, the remorse, all of it. Gone! Okay,here's the big revelation:

I am not defined by what I do or have done, rather I am defined by what Jesus did. When God looks at me he doesn't see my past, the crappy choices. He sees his Son standing in front of me. And that's all He needs. And that is all I will ever need.

-Em