The Week of St. Benedict

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a spiritual expiriment of sorts for me. Tomorrow is the start of St. Benedict week. Saint Benedict was a monk who lived sometime in the 16th (I think) century. The monks of the order of Saint Benedict lived out their lives by a very strict, very disciplined schedule. So for a week, myself, and some other students here at Prov are going to live this lifestyle. The schedule includes prayer at 7:00 am and going to sleep at 11:00. Included in the week are some elements of fasting, scripture memorization, and practicing a spiritual discipline daily. It also includes a day of silence, that's right, I won't talk for a whole day. I may die.

I'm going to be honest, I'm somewhat dreading this experience. I lack self-discipline, and I hate mornings. But I want to see how God will work through this week, and I trust that he will. I will chronicle my journey in this blog...so if you're interested, check back.

The Ugliest Word in the English Language

scrutiny
noun
1.	the act of examining something closely (as for mistakes)
2.	a prolonged intense look

Oh! 2006

New Years Eve 2006. I can hardly believe it.

I feel like I should make a T-shirt: "I Survived 2006"

Looking back, this was quite the year. It was certainly one of the most difficult years that I can recall. From the time I said "Happy New Year" some 365 days ago conflict and pain seemed to follow me. However, 2006 was also one of the most beautiful years I can recall. It was beautiful in a way that was different from other years. It was beautiful because of the pain. This year I had to search harder than I ever have before to see the beauty, and that in and of itself is beautiful.

2006:

Providence

Hockey

Kindred Spirits

Baseball

Falling

Rejection

Stress

Graduations

Goodbyes

Tour

Niagra Falls

Beautiful One

Testimonies

Friends

Waitressing

Camp Counseling

Broken Skull

ICU

Miraculous

Anxious

Goodbye LBBBC

RAing

Overcommitment

Computer Usage I

The Miracle Worker

Humpty Dumpty Life

Confusion

Risk Taking

Ulcers

Anemia

Hospital Again

Laughter

Amazing Boyfriend

Falling Again

Christmas

Fish & Bird

Confession

The End

What a year! Here' to you 2006, for all the lessons you taught me. And here's to you 2007...and whatever you have in store.

"It's perfect"
The little glass figurine that I held in my hands
A tiny plaque at the bottom read: life
It was finally mine
And it was perfect
So happy that it was mine I clutched the figurine tighter and tighter
"...Maybe I should hold that for you."
"No, God, it's mine. I'm being careful."
I noticed a tiny crack forming on the side
"...Here, I'll fix that."
"No, I'm fine, I promise. It's just a little crack."
It broke!
My perfect glass figurine, gone, shattered
"...I'll put it back together. Give it to me."
"No! It's mine! I can fix this on my own! I can!"
I clutched the broken pieces tighter and tighter and ran
How could it break?
It was so perfect
It was mine...and perfect.
I squeezed the shards so tightly that the pieces dug into my hand
I could fix it
I knew I could
The shards dug deeper and deeper into my hands
No
No
I won't let go!
Blood began to run over my hands
It hurt so badly
I cried out in pain
"...Here, let me help you"
"But I wanted to do it on my own!"
"....I know, I know you did."
I open my hands
Glass shards stuck in one side of my hand and out the other
"...This will hurt."
Slowly, He pulls out a shard
I whince
"Can you fix it?"
"...I can, but this will hurt."

The Weight of Glory

I've always had a love for stars. Everytime I step outside of my door after sunset, my first reaction is to look toward the sky to see if my faithful friends will make an appearence. I love the idea of the black oblivion of night being broken by a the glow of stars. There is something...heavenly about it.

Tonight I stepped outside and, as always, looked to see if any stars were out. Not only was the sky completely empty of stars, the whole sky was covered in the thick shell of clouds. The street lights of my small town illuminated the underside of clouds giving the whole sky a dull pink glow. It was strangly beautiful.

I started thinking about how stars have always given me the idea that there is God who is the all-powerful creator of heaven and of earth. But tonight, when my beloved stars were hidden from my view, it gave me another thought about my Lord. The clouds hid my stars from me, and my humanity hides my God from me. And, I think this is for my own good. I can't imagine what it would be like to see all of God, to know him so fully and completely that I understood the mind of God. How completely and utterly terrifying would that be? The very thought gives me chills. To know the mind of God.

Sometimes, I become to wrapped up in the idea of Jesus being my friend. Being my buddy who I can talk to about anything. I sometimes forget that he is the all-powerful creator. The God who could crush me in an instant.

The weight of his glory is so heavy that I need the clouds of my humanity to cover me, but that doesn't mean I won't see his glow.

Hmmm...

"By then I wasn’t just asking questions; I was being changed by them. I was being changed by my prayers, which dwindled down nearer and nearer to silence, which weren’t confrontations with God but with the difficulty—in my own mind, or in the human lot—of knowing what or how to pray. Lying awake at night, I could feel myself being changed—into what, I had no idea.”

- Jayber Crow, by Wendell Berry

Laugh.

I love to laugh.

In fact, laughing is probably one of all time favorite pastimes. I was thinking about laughter this morning, and about how powerful it is. Laughter is my panecea. Awkward moment? Laugh through it. Pain completely unberable? Laugh about it. I firmly believe that even when everything is falling apart, and when gray skies stretch before me endlessly that there is something to laugh at. Even if that something is me.

Perhaps this explains my addiction to sit-coms. I love that every fight, every joy, and every pain can be made into a joke. That's how I deal with my life: I laugh through it. My dearest friend Bethany shares this life philosophy with me. So...to whomever may read this, laugh. Please
laugh.

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter"-Mark Twain

A great, big, long, over due update.

Wow. I've really been neglecting this blog. But fear not world, I am still alive. And here is the long awaited update on the world of Emily.

I'm in the midst of finals week here. 2 down, 2 more to go. My classes all went fairly well semester. I enjoyed some, hated others. The usual. I return to good ol' Roseau Minnesota on Saturday. I can't believe how fast this semester went. Eeeeek.

Being an resident assistant has been absolutely wonderful. I love my dorm. Love my girls. It's had its hard moments to be sure, but it's been really great. I'm really looking forward to next semester and the chance to get to know my girls better. There are a lot of things I still want to do, but God has done more with my dorm than I had ever dreamed.

I'm working hard on memorizing my lines for the play. As I mentioned, I'm Annie Sullivan, the teacher of Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker." It's going really well. The rehearsals are really long at time, some approach five hours. However, the director and the cast are all amazing people. It's been forever since I've done real theater. And it's going to be grand. If anyone wants to come see it...March 21st-24th. Providence College. Be there.

I'm employed by the yearbook here. I write articles and captions. Yes, that's right, I'm being paid to write. What a beautiful idea. It's a great job. The whole yearbook staff went to Winnipeg for sushi the other night. Nice perks. :D

So first semester has been quite grand. And I'm looking forward to what's in store next semester.

Oh, one last thing. I've found myself a really wonderful guy. His name is Taylor Summach. He's from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. We been a dating for a month now....and he's...amazing. So, in closing, here is a lovely photo and me and Taylor.




:) -Emily

Twilight by Shaun Groves

Like the sky before the dawn
While the night is holding on
Sun and moon together in the gray
So my soul is shared by two
The worst of me, the best of You
Saint and sinner mingle in my veins
And I pray You'll end this twilight

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

Good I love but evil's done
Good intentions come undone
Good to know I know the One
Who saves me from myself and

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

Oh Lord, paint my heart a solid hue
The shade of You
Oh Lord, break this dreadful in between
inside of me
Oh let it be morning

Twilight, twilight
I'm torn inside my soul tonight
The dawning Day, the dying night
Oh rid my soul of twilight
Oh rid my soul of twilight

I know the sun is coming up
Oh, the sun is coming up
Yes, the sun is coming up
In me, in me

Life in the Middle of Nowhere

I have been at prov for exactly one month today, and what a crazy month it has been. In many ways I feel like I've been here forever, and in other ways I feel like I just got here.

I'm a resident assistant this year. The ladies of Lower Sweet are mine. I have some amazing women in my dorm, and I'm really loving this job. I'm not going to say it's been easy, but it has been good. Sitting in the sub-lounges laughing at something stupid, praying for eachother, and forming relationships. It's an awesome role, and I still can't believe that I get to play it. But it's had it's rough days. I love that I get to see the heart of these women, but I also see the hurts of them. This past week, after a few rough days, and a few rough stories, I freaked out. "I can't do this. Who am to do this? God, help!" I voiced these concerns to a friend/fellow RA. He smiled and said, "It's exciting. God is stretching you." So this is what stretching is, huh? It has been a stretching first month.

On an exciting personal note, I was cast in the major production. We are doing "The Miracle Worker." It's the story of Helen Keller, who is blind and deaf, and her teacher, Annie Sullivan who teaches her how to connect language to her world. The exciting news? I'm Annie Sullivan. I haven't done a real stage production in a long time. I almost wet myself when the director told me I had the role. So if you wanna see a really great play, and me with long brown hair (my director informed me yesterday I need to dye my hair.) come out for it.

Drat! Class has ended...I'll write another post soon.



P.S. I have made a blog for one of my classes. I will posting on there quite often in the future, because, well, that one is graded, this isn't. It focuses on the lessons life here at Prov is teaching me. http://aholisticideal.blogspot.com Check it out. :)

Cardboard boxes and conflicting emotions.

It's 9:00 now. It's my last night here in Roseau before I return to my dear Providence. Tomorrow, with my parent's car filled to the brim I will make the hour and forty-five minute drive back to Otterburne, Manitoba to begin my sophomore year. I'm a sophomore in college. Wow, I still feel so young.

I've been looking so forward to going back. My head and heart are so often still at Prov, but my body is here. This summer was, without a doubt, challenging. So much of this summer was in a weird holding pattern, like these last four months were just a break in my life. Somehow Prov has become my life. I wanted so badly to be back in that atmosphere. But tonight as I was putting stuff in my car, washing bed sheets, and counting pairs of socks I was filled with an undeniable...sadness.

My mom always tells me that I don't handle change well. I suppose that's true. Transition has a way of making me a bit quesy in my stomach. I like having a nice, concrete, quietly predictable life. Perhaps that is where faith is most prominant in my life. In the unknown. In a future that I can't plan and journey I can't prepare myself for. To be able to say, okay, God, I have no idea what's going on, but I trust you. Faith in a Higher Power who wants what is best for me, even when my life seems to be written in pencil. Faith even when I feel like I wasted this summer away. And faith that despite everything I should have done this summer, and everything that should have happened, God was at work.

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."-C.S. Lewis

Faithful to Me - Jennifer Knapp

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand beneath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them wash away

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I see
Reaching out my weary hand, I pray that You'd understand
You're the one One Who's faithful to me

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly
For a faith to be faithful to me

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One Who sees past all I see
Reaching out my weary hand, I pray that You'd understand
You're the only One Who's faithful to me

I Heart this song.

As Promised

As I promised, here is a scan of the cool picture my dearest Lyssa made me. The scan really doesn't do it justice. It's way cooler in person. Oh, if you couldn't tell, that's Me and Alyssa.

Here am I

Summer is on the downslide. I return to my beloved Providence College exactly one month from today. I can hardly believe that fact, but then I can believe it. Sometimes I feel like summer has barely started, and in other ways this summer has been has been never-ending. When I came home for the summer, I thought I thought I knew exactly why God brought me home for the summer. But with so many things in life, when I think I have God and his will figured out He shows me otherwise. Although this summer wasn't what I expected it to be, I did learn a lot.

My time at Lake Bronson Baptist Bible Camp is coming to a close. I counsel for a short retreat this weekend and then I am done for the summer. I'm ready to be done. I love kids, I love counseling, I love camp, but I think my time at LBBBC is done. I don't expect that I will work there again, at least not in such a full time capacity. But I gained that of insight about future ministry work from this summer. Including a dang good leadership quote from my boss, Troy. "A leader doesn't have to know everything, a leader just has to know how to serve." That should be on a bookmark, or a bumper sticker. I think I will make that my personal motto for my year in student leadership at Prov.

Providence! I'm so incredibly excited to go back. A couple weeks ago, it hit me. I want to go back. Right this moment. I have a bad case of Prov Ache. When I look back at my year at Prov, I can see so clearly how God used that year. I have never felt so close to God as when I'm at Prov. I see him in people, I see him in my professors, and I see him in the lessons He teaches. Prov is truly the place where God is most real to me. I'm going to be a Resident Assistant there this year. And I couldn't be more excited for it. I think of how Prov impacted me, and for me to get the chance to help other people be impacted....ooooooooh, man, I'm so excited!!!

This past Sunday, I turned 19 years old. I feel really old. This is my last year as a teenager. In some strange way I always felt that I would have most everything, my life included, figured by the time I reached 20. Ha, somehow I don't think that will be happening. But really, I'm okay with not having this whole life thing figured out. I like that my life still has questions, mysteries, and unknown equations. How boring would it be if I knew it all? It was a lovely birthday though. I got the coolest present EVER from my Lyssa. She's an amazing artist and she did a pencil drawing of us. It is soooo cool. I wanted to post it here on my blog, but it won't work...drat. I shall post it at some point though, promise.

I'm lady of the house for this week. My mom is gone for the week to spend time with my grandpa. He had heart surgery on Tuesday. I clean house, make food, do laundry, I even baked cookies tonight. I'm so domestic. I had to make a shopping list for my dad. It's kind of fun actually, I'm looking forward to getting my own apartment someday, buying "house-y", and taking care of my home.

Ooo! The oven just beeped...my cookies are ready!

Adventures in Camp Counseling

It's now the middle of July and I'm half-way through my summer, including halfway through the the camp schedule at Lake Bronson Baptist Bible Camp. I return to Prov in little over a month. Oi.

Just yesterday I came home from a week of counseling at the Jr. Boys and Girls camp. It's for 3rd-6th graders. It was a wonderful, but extremely exhausting week. I had a cabin of 9 girls, and a co-counselor, Sarah. It was probably one of the best cabins I had ever had. The girls all got along, well, as well as 9 and 11 year olds can get along. Most of girls suffered from home-sickness. So there were a lot of tears on their part, a lot of hugs on my part. My theme for my devotions this week was "Jesus is..." I talked about Jesus is a best friend, Jesus is a King (so we are his princesses), and Jesus is the Good Shepherd. On the last night of camp, I lead the girls through the prayer of salvation, and 3 girls prayed it for the first time! That was the most exciting part of my week for sure. Camp has been hard for me this year, I'm not sure why. Some days it's really hard to make that drive up there. Some days I just don't want to be there. But then, seeing those 3 beautiful girls raise their hands to say that they asked Jesus into their hearts...it's all worth it again.

I also learned a lot for my own spiritual life. The speaker for the camp was excellent. It's been a long time since I have gone through the basics of the Christian faith. Our theme for the week, as well as the summer is "Running the Race". Ever since this past April, I've hit a rather rough patch of the track. There have been a lot of rocks that I have tripped over, a lot of mud that has splashed up on me. During one chapel he spoke of having faith through the hard times. Because of my rather dramatic injury earlier this summer I was used as an example. The speaker said, "And God has taught her things through this experience that she could have learned otherwise. This bad thing has a purpose. She can thank God for this hard time." I almost started crying, can I truly say thank you to God for this hard time? This summer has been the hardest I can ever remember. These past few months have been really really hard. Early this spring, I felt closer to God than I have ever have. Life was falling into place. Praising God was so easy. Then...things went south. And as I sat in that white chapel at camp, I heard God saying, "Can you praise me now?" Can I? Can I thank Him for a pain that seems to have no purpose? Do I truly believe that He knows best? I want to be able to say to my Savior, "Thank you, I don't understand what You're doing, but I do thank you."

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by fixing our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish." -Hebrews 12:1-2a

A Lesson in Grace...

I've got a confession to make. I love grace. I love the unfairness of it all. The way it smacks of injustice. The way the God of wrath, power, and justice extended a hand of compassion to me and the rest of humanity. However, I also hate grace. The grace of God holds me to standard that, at times, I don't want to live up to. If the God of the universe can forgive and extend grace to me, I must do the same to others. Grace is wonderful when it is extended to me, but so difficult when I extend it to others. My humanity screams out for fairness and that ever-present longing for vinidication. This summer, so far, has been one of learning what grace really means. I knew what grace from God to me meant, but grace from me to others was something I needed to learn.

I just finished reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" written by Donald Miller. Great book, I highly recommend it. There was one section in that book that stuck me so poinently I had to set the book down on my bedroom floor and lay there for a moment, thinking, "wow. that's me." I could summarize that section, but then I would risk losing the power of it....so here it is, in the words of Donald Miller.

"There was this guy in my life at the time, a guy I went to church with whom I honestly didn't like. I thought he was sarcastic, lazy and manipulative, and he ate with his mouth open so that food almost fell from his chin when he talked. He began and ended every sentence with the word dude. I don't enjoy not liking people, but sometimes these things feel as if you are not in control of them. I never chose not to like the guy. It felt more like the dislike had chosen me. Regardless, I had to spend a good amount of time with him as we were working on a temporary project together. He began to get under my skin. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to read a book, memorize a poem, or explore morality, at least as an intellectual concept. I didn't know how to communicate with him that he need to change, so I displayed it on my face. I rolled my eyes. I gave him dirty looks. I would mouth the word loser when he wasn't looking. I though somehow that he would sense my disapproval and change his life in order to gain my favor. In short, I witheld love. It was selfish, and what's more, it would never work. By withholding love from my friend, he became defensive, he didn't like me, he thought I was judgmental, snobbish, proud, and mean, Rather than being drawn to me, wanting to change, he was repulsed.
I was guilty of using love like money, withholding it to get somebody to be who I wanted them to be. I making a mess of everything. And I was disobeying God. It was clear that I was to love everybody, be delighted at everybody's exsistence, and I fallen miles short of God's aim. The power of Christian spirituality has always rested in repentence, so that's what I did. I repented. I told God I was sorry. I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson.
After I repented, things were different, but the difference wasn't with my friend, the difference was with me. I was free to love. I didn't have to discipline anybody, I didn't have to judge anybody, I could treat everybody as though they were my best friend, as though they were rock stars or famous poets, as though they were amazing, and to me they became amazing, especially my new friend. I loved him.

Wow. I don't have to cling to justice, or that nagging need for vindication. I can love. Freely, recklessly, lavishly. God didn't send me out into this world to be his justice, and to let people know exactly what the Almightly thinks of their desicions. He sent me to love, like Jesus did, with no strings attached. I'm sure we all have a "dude person" in our lives. I know I do. But this past week, instead of glaring, rolling my eyes, and twisting my face in disdain, I let it all I go. And, you know what, he's a pretty cool dude. Love the "dude" in your life.

I suppose I have every right in the world to be angry at you
I guess I'm righteous in my indignation
I didn't deserve all that I got from you
I offered you my friendship, support, and companionship and in return you gave me disrespect
Like a ziploc bag I was used and then tossed away
I sat on my bed feeling quite smug at how right I was, and how wrong you were
You wronged me "And you wronged me."
...oh
But I offered everything and I got nothing in return "Sounds famliar."
....not now, Lord
I was being punished for something I never did "So was I."
...No, God, I won't be wrong...
They don't deserve my forgiveness! "And you didn't deserve mine."
...Don't pin this on me!
All my my righteous indignation drained from me
I didn't feel so justified about this
I guess I have to..."yes?"....I suppose I should...."keep going."
Forgive you
A wad of wet kleenex settled in my stomach
You don't deserve it, but then niether did I

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

The Simplicity of Youth

When I was a kid, things were simple. Life was quite uncomplicated or at least to me it was. And sometimes I can't help but wish that things were the same now as they were then.

When blowing bubbles in the front yard was a great afternoon

When staying awake until 10:30 was next to impossible

When earthworms were fun, not disgusting

When summer lasted forever

When Super Mario Brothers 3 was technology at its finest

When boys were wierd, gross, and to be avoided at all costs, instead of wonderful, fasinating, and powerful

When long division was the most challenging of problems

When a weekly shower seemed exsessive

When 20 dollars was a fortune

When everywhere important on this earth could be reached by bicycle

When moving away from home was incomprehensible

When Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was the best piece of media ever to grace the television

When I didn't know the meaning of the word awkward let alone what an awkward moment was

When being a Christian meant being nice to my little sister

When nobody cared about my leadership skills

When I went through a whole box of band-aids every month

When I would fall asleep listening to Adventures inOddessy

Ohhh...to be young again

Classifications

I like to put my mistakes into 3 seperate classes

1. Ignorant Mistake: I didn't know any better. I had no idea that this was something that might not be the best idea.

2. Foolish Mistake: I knew better, and if I had thought about it more, I would have made a different choice. Oops.

3. Chemical Mistakes: The only way a sane person could have made that mistake was if they were under the influence of some chemical. But I did it of my own free will and stable mind. Ugh.

It fits like an old sweater...

So I'm back in Roseau, back in my parents house, back with my old friends, back to my "other" life. I have been home little over a week now, and being back here reminds me of trying on an old sweater. It's my sweater, but it doesn't fit me the same way it used to. The sweater makes me uncomfortable. That's how I feel about being home, very uncomfortable. I know that I have changed a lot over the past year, but I feel as though the moment I stepped through the front door of my house all that change in me was gone. I was the same person as when I left in September. And that terrifies me.

I know God wants me back here. I didn't come back home because it was the easy thing, rather Roseau was the last place I wanted to be for the summer. I felt like I had unfinished business here. I have some things in my life that I need to lay to rest. And the only place those things can be buried is Roseau. However, I did not anticipate falling back into my pre-Providence exsistence. I feel like I'm 16 all over again, and not a feeling I especially enjoy. All the same people, all the same struggles, all the same emotions that I left here 8 months ago were waiting for me again.

In church this past Sunday, a woman sang a song called, "If You Want Me To" and I found a line of that song rather encouraging considering my current situation. The line is: "No, I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me yet." He's not through me, or any of us, yet.....Thank Goodness.