He had it coming...

So I'm sitting here listening to the Cell Block Tango on my sister's Chicago soundtrack. It's such an awesome song. It's the ultimate in girlish revenge.

So I had play practice tonight. We managed to get through the whole thing, although it looked like complete and total crap. Even our director said so....which is a bad sign. If we loose on our own stage I'll be mortified. But even though it stunk...I had a lot of fun. I got to see some people I haven't seen in forever...Carolyn, Ryan, Amanda, Hondo. It was happy. As I get older, I now realize that how happy a time Christmas is. As my friends slowly leave for college and other things Christmas marks a time of togetherness and joy. I like my friends being together with eachother again. :)

Together at Last, Em

The Joy of Life.

I've been pondering the looming New Year. And, of course, you know what that means, New Years Resolutions! And so my big resolution this year is...Learn to love life. I want to enjoy every waking moment of the year 2005. I want to take every chance I can. Do things wild and crazy. I want to stop worrying about the future, and all that I have to accomplish tomorrow. And learn to live in the moment. I don't want to worry about the consequences or the far-reaching effects on the atmosphere. I want to love that day, that hour, that minute, and that very second. Just to cut loose from all the chains that bind me to insecurity. For I've come to the conclusion that freedom isn't a place...It's a state of mind.

I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for, Em

The greatest gifts of all...

It's Christmas Eve. And dare I say it's been the most wonderful Christmas Eve in recent memory.
I know that it 's a cliched thing of me to say, but the best gifts of all really don't come in packages. Not to say that I didn't love the gifts I got in boxes: the cucumber melon stuff from my bro, the pink candles from little sis, and the CD and coffee maker from my folks. (mmmm...coffee.) But the most awesome gifts I got today weren't wrapped up in cheesy paper and scotch tape.
Awesome gift #1: My dearest friend Leah is home. I saw her at a distance, ran up to her, and mauled her with a giant "I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever-I-missed-you-like-crazy-I'm-so-glad-you're-home" hug. She is as animated and fun as she was when she moved two monthes ago. She was happy to see me, but not as happy as I was to see her. We laughed, we joked, we dove into the snow, and just enjoyed the fact that we are together again. Good gal-pals are hard to come by...and Leah is one of the greatest.
Awesome gift #2: This awesome gift came in the form of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. I've been a bit down lately about my lack of a signifigant other. And we got on the topic of this gorgeous guy I met yesterday. He, my friend that is, told me not to fall for that one. When I pressed him for details as to why he said that I needed a guy who he wouldn't have to worry about me with. He gave me a speech about the pitfalls of highschool dating and how I shouldn't rush love. He said that most of his highschool relationships haven't left him better off than he was before. I found not only his advice to be very wise, but his concern genuine. I don't know many guys who would have said that kinda thing to me. And I somehow felt...less lonely for a beau.
Awesome gift # 3: We held a Christmas Eve service at my church tonight. I read the Christmas story from Luke to the congregation. And as many times as I have heard that story it struck me rather poinently tonight. The smiling faces of the people and the infectious excitement of my youth pastor filled my heart with joy. How a young woman, probably only 14 or 15 years old, carried the Son of God. It's beyond amazing.
Greatest Gift of All: My Jesus came to this earth thosands of years ago and died for me.


Merry Christmas! Em

Oh brave new world that has such people in it!

Good Evening world. The title of my blog is from the Shakespere play The Tempest. It accuratly describes how I'm feeling at the moment. People are an interest of mine. So I thought I would include a statment about some lovely people who I know and any insights I have discovered about them.

Cierra- She's a crazy exciting girl and is the only one who can make her older sister fashion conscience.

Alyssa- Her wisdom astounds me at times and I discover a new similarity between us each day. I hope I can be like her someday.

Lauren- Is beyond fun. I feel so much happier around her. She's like my matching puzzle piece. The gal pal who makes me feel confident.

Ryan- What can I say about Ryan? He's my drama buddy to my dying day. He makes me question my point of view and wish to take life by the horns...so to speak.

Leah- She's so much like me it's frightening at times. She understand what I'm saying before a sound leaves my mouth. It's creepy awesome.

James- He makes me laugh. It's been a long time since I've met some one who can match my sarcasm...I enjoy the challenge.

Tyler- He's an awesome guy. I love his confidence and his sense of self. He's totally a man after God's own heart.

Eric- Is wise beyond his years. I've known Eric since I was a little tyke. He never fails to find the humor in life.

Mike- Although I doubt that I will ever see Michael again..or that he ever wants to see me again. His presence has shaped my life (and my political views) in ways he will never know.

So those are my people observations for the time being. It's funny when you think about the people in your life and really ask yourself "How has this person impacted my life?" Because, when you think about it, who you are is a mixture of who those around you are. It's the people around you who shape you into you.

-Em

Busy-Busy-Busy!

Hello all. It is now nine days until X-mas and I have barely even started shopping. My goal is to start and finish all my shopping this weekend.

Yesterday was the deadline for our school newspaper to be ready for press. Once again, most of genius classmates didn't get the work done on time...and well, our teacher whispered to me in hushed tones how angry she was. She ranted and raved, threatened students with failing grades and then breathed down their necks as they finished their pages. Then she had me, and a couple of other people, assemble a fun page that nobody had done. It turned out quite funny.

English is being a pain in the bum. I have a major research paper due after x-mas break, and I've barely even gotten started. My teacher was mocking me the other day about never have gone to the principal's office. He told me my education was not complete. whatever.

I must depart, another day another dollar, Em

Like a movie where the hero dies...

Hindsight is always 20/20...or so they say. And sometimes life doesn't turn out the way it should. I had one of those moments tonight. One of those moments where you can't help but wonder how things might be now if you had acted differently. Did the Jews ever wonder what life would be like if Hitler had never come to power? Did Adam ever kick himself for eating that fruit?

I wish I could go back to what once was. Knowing what I know now I would make a very different choice. It's like some awful movie where the hero dies and the bad guy wins. It just shouldn't be like this. Is it too late to fix that mistake? Yes. It sure is.

Great Pending Embarassment...

Thanks Ry, for the the swoon.com link. I looked up my dream, and according to the dream interpretator I will have something horribly embarassing happen to me. Greaaaaat.

I'm so sleepy right now. I baby sat this evening for a little fellow named Charlie. He was 19 months old, with big blue eyes and blonde curls. He played with his toys, watched Frosty the Snowman, and ate a banana. I wondered what it would be like to have a wee one. He was so sweet. Though I have this nagging feeling that I shall never marry...thus the kid thing is out of the question. I don't wish for a boyfriend anymore. When I see couples together it just seems like watching something I will never have. Like watching people who play tennis well. Now, I can't play tennis, I can barely hold a racket, so I know I will never be a Wimbledon champion. I'm not upset by that fact, I just know I won't. It's the same way with romance, I know I won't ever have that. I'm not upset. That's just the way it is.

-Em

Nightmare or prophetic dream?

I had a really strange dream last night. Something horrible had happened to somebody who was close to me. I believe they died, but the details of that part of the dream were rather fuzzy. Well, somehow this person's (I shall call him Harvey) death was linked to some terrorist conspiracy. I was sitting in English class and my teacher was rambling about how we would need to prepare for this forthcoming disaster. I looked up from my desk toward the ceiling and saw a black and white mouse crawling around on the ceiling. The mouse promptly fell from the ceiling and on to me, and then landed on my desktop. I shrieked. Then all the kids in my class: the jock, the flirt, the dummy, the musician, the teen mommy, the girl who talks about nothing, and the bitter cynincal Senior, all jumped up and started screaming with me as the mouse ran across the floor of the classroom. And then I woke up.

Does anyone out there think this dream means something? Like some great tragedy will happen to my class? And we will all have to face it together? Or did I just drink too much orange juice before I went to bed?

Food for thought- Em

Does this glue stick smell like peanut butter to you too?

My blog title is a quote from the guy in my mass comm. class at school. He also proclaimed today and I quote, "I'm a friggin' genius!" Yeah, somebody please tell me that college is better than this?
I just want to live how I want to, I'm so sick of being told what to do. Do this. Don't do that. Not like that. I'm 17 years old! I'm gonna be outta this town in a year, if I can't figure how I want to live my now I may never. Attention world: I'm sorry I not what you want me to be. I like me. If I wanted to be you, I would. This is my independence cry. Sorry world, I don't give a crap what you think.

I don't care anymore, Em

And all is right with the world again...ha, kinda.

Mi amiga has returned...and all is right with the world again. Well, no, not completely. But I feel a lot better. She seemed so normal, I thought she would be so different. It's was comforting to find that nothing has changed between us. It was like nothing had changed at all, like this past week never really exsisted. Yay, for paralell universes.

I watched a companion of mine try to broach a rather awkward topic with me. It was almost comical. I knew exactly what he was trying to say, and I probably knew more about the situation than he did. But I played stupid so that I could watch him squim in the awkwardness of it all. Tell me, is that a sadistic thing of me to do? *Shrug.* Once he maganged to spit it out I assured him I completely understood...and offered my solution to the problem. He said that was his solution as well, but the powers at be wish it otherwise. Blah on the powers at be.

The right side of the brain looks at the left side of the brain and says, "It's dark in here and we may die."
-Senorita Emily

*eyelid droops* yes, just one eyelid.

So I worked last night. It was long and boring. And I, somehow, managed to, once again, to burn myself on the steam table. That was...not fun. It was also the night of the hopsital X-mas party so my boss came in a gave us concilitory gifts for working that night. A mug with the hospital logo on it and a giant killer poinsetta. Strange, I know. "Sorry you have to slave away while the rest of us party the night away. Here, take this giant ugly flowering plant. Merry Christmas!"

I saw a fellow I haven't seen in ages today. My youth pastor's older brother. I met him while working on renovating my youth pastor's house. He a jolly fun guy. I forgot how much he made me laugh. He recently got married and he and his adorable wife were in town visiting. This from the man who once told me he had all his romantic bones surgically removed. :P What a softie.

We're discussing mental illness and depression at youth group tonight. I really don't want to. I know he only means to help the situation. But to me it feels like scratching off a wound that finally started to heal over. And making it bleed again. And some people just don't understand. Come home mi amiga. I miss you like crazy.

Emily

Long time...No blog.

Sorry to all my quote "adoring fans" for not posting. I've been so insanely busy....however Ryan's guilt trip got to me. Life has been twisted; molded into a shape that shouldn't be.

I despise gossip. Gossipy people, people who pretend to be concerned to gain a chuck of juicy gossip, talking about other people behind their back, and those fools who can't seem to figure out when certain things just aren't any of their business!!!!!! Agh! Ahhhh... that felt good. I needed to vent. Don't ask me why I needed to vent, because I won't tell you. I don't gossip.

Due to circumtances beyond anyone's control, coupled with some very unfortunate timing. I will be directing some practices of our One Act play next week. And I'm petrified. I worry that nobody will listen to me, that the cast, especially certain people, will try and take over leadership from me. And I just want Mrs. Sallberg to cancel our surgery and stay to manage the brat pack. My affectionate term for the younger members of the cast. :) Natalie Novacek, if you're out there, come home, this is an emergency.

So, I have my first 2005 graduation planning meeting on Monday at 8:30 in the morning. (IN THE MORNING!?) Me, and my amigos Scot and Aaron will make up the graduating class of Roseau homeschoolers. Personally, I think it's going to be a lot of decisions that I hate making. What color napkins should we have? How many songs should we sing? Regular coffee of decaf? Or both!? Ahhh! I just want to get ready and graduate...and go to college. This doesn't need to be a big deal...at least I hope it doesn't.

Waiting for X-mas, Emily

Save the One Act.

Today was super-crazy. It was just an odd day. We watched War of the Worlds in Mass Comm today. That was stange...in a hokey disturbing way. English was a zoo as usual. Many students were angry about all the homework, others got angry about their complaining, I think everyone had PMS or something. There was a lot of shouting.

ONE ACT WAS NUTS! We were going through picking parts. One girl proclaimed dibs on a part...another girl wanted it. They both got a bit mad. On girl pronounced death on anybody who would want this part...she was kidding...but it was still unsettling. People were just edgy all day. Ryan, Come home...fix it.

Just another animal in the zoo, Emily

Miss Cellophane...should'a been my name.

*Sigh* I feel so invisible. Unimportant. Like my life, and the things that I do, haven't made even the slightest dent in the world around me.

Today in class Matt called me Ashley. He was attempting to say hi to everyone in the class. And hen he got to me he got a little stuck. Anna asked him, "Do you know her name?" "Ummm....Ashley." Upon realizing my name wasn't Ashley he apologized and said "You remind me of an Ashley." *Sigh*

At first I thought everyone thought I was freak, but now I doubt that they even notice my exsistence. I guess I'm nothing but another silent face in the crowd.

Little Miss Cellophane: Emily

Would you bring me back a sombrero?

I made bars today. They are warming quite comfortably in the oven as I type. My father and little sister are singing the "meow mix" commericial in the next room. Heaven only knows why.

I've been thinking a lot of college life. I intended to finish my application over this long weekend, but I was unsuccessful. Drat it all. Now that I'm a senior random people ask me where I want to go to college. What I want to do with my degree. How I wish to spend the next 70 years and how much wealth I intend to accumulate. Bah. I'm scared to go to college, but I'm even more scared not to go. I've seen the fate of those who choose not to leave for college, they become the pariah of this little community. "Why didn't you go to college?" "What are you doing insted?" "How is your family doing dealing with this shame upon their household?" Bah. Nosy old people. I'm excited to see how my future will play out....

And, *crosses fingers* I think I've chosen a major: Communications and Media. - I wanna write. :)

Emily

Lost in thought...

Oofda! It has been a long time since I last posted. I decided I should write about politics more often. I got 5 comments to my post about Bush. And only 1 was negative! ...granted, I wrote one of the comments myself. *giggle*

So it's been a crazy busy week at school. I gave my speech for English class today. I got a prefect score. I knew those mindnumbing mornings on a bus for speech would pay off someday! Choir has been more boring than usual, although solo contests are this tuesday. Too bad I can't remember the words to my song. And we toured the radio station this week for mass comm. I had this over-whelming urge to organize their closets, which were exploding with seemingly worthless items.

But all in all I had a pretty fab week. And last weekend was SO fun! I went to Trout Lake Bible Camp for a retreat. It was so great! Plenty of time to rest, relax, and reflect on life. And I'm excited to be a Christian again. It's been so long since I have been in that atmosphere of bibles, peace and quiet, and fellowshiping with other Christians. It was just what I needed. We had an insanely huge bonfire at the end of the weekend. It was the equivilent of burning 3 of the LBBBC cabins. Ha.

The only real downside to the weekend was my recurring role as a 3rd. wheel. Anna had her beau, Mike, and Michelle hooked up with an old guy friend. And for those of you who know what it's like to be that extra person..yeah..it sucked. But my and my youth pastor kicked it for a while. And I've decided I prefer think of myself not as a third wheel, but as a uni-cycle.
His Grace is Sufficient, Emily

P.S. Please refer to my by my British name: Effie.

Yes, I am a Bush Babe .

My beloved President George W. Bush has won another 4 years in office. I'm floored. I stayed up until 1:00 in the morning watching election coverage. God bless Ohio. It felt good to know that people cared about where are country is going. One poll said that more Americans voted based on moral issues than the economy. A first ever for our country.

Bush Babe , Emily

Down wit' da' DC Talk.

I went to Grand Forks yesterday and purchased "intermission: dc talk the greatest hits." It is a rippingly good CD. These guys write some the of most wonderful lyrics I have ever heard. However, by listening to their style of music, especially the early stuff, I have concluded that the 90's were a drak time in the music industry.


Life is a bunch of malarky, Emily

Buried emotions.

Today I bumped into an old crush of mine. We exchanged words and went about our business. He was with his girlfriend so I did my best to refrain from greeting him more enthusiatically than I did....that could be awkward.

The odd thing was that is wasn't the fact that I saw him (I assumed our paths would cross again at some point) it was my reaction to seeing him. Once I realized it was him, my heart began racing madly, had I been wearing a tighter shirt I sure my pulsating heart would have been visable to him, and I spent 3 minutes getting up the courage to say something. I was all but 100% postitive that all my feelings for him had dissloved. Apparently not. I had convinced myself that we would make a horrible match and, ironically enough, had just this morning congratulated myself on the fact that I rarely thought of him anymore. Maybe it's impossible for one's logical thoughts to conquer what one feels in their heart? It's a thought I pondered the rest of the day. That and I scruitinaized my every movement and word. I kicked myself for wearing my crappy, yet comfy, sweatshirt and for having my hair look so...blah. Meanwhile his adorable girlfriend looked perfect, as always, and her well-conditioned hair was blindingly shiny. Gag.

If anyone knows the answer to my burning question...do let me know.

-Emily

Headbanging boys and faces from the past...

I had an interesting discussion with my English teacher today. We are assigned to write an innugural address as if we were to be president. He was spouting off his typical "blah,blah can't inforce morality in schools, bush is a simple-minded twit" speal. Even though am I horribly wary of political debates of any kind thanks to M.A. I opened my yap and before I could stop myself said "Do we lose points if you don't agree with our speech?" He gave this agast look and said "What kind of person do you think I am?" He sat himself on the empty desk in front of me and situated his body as if it was going to be one of those long " how does that make you feel" speeches.

"Emily, don't you think I'm opened minded?" I had my doubts.

"Why don't you think I will like your speech?" Uh-oh, this was getting into dangerous territory. I would have to make an assumption about my teacher.

"Um...well, I think you're a democrat, and...um...I'm a republican in every sense, so I doubt we would see eye to eye on anything." There I said it.

He began to explain his political beliefs to me. He wasn't republican or democrat...or so he claimed. But he refused to tell me who he was voting for, although he would be voting. He made several statement that I found plain wrong. I would have corrected him if I hadn't been so intimidated by his being my teacher...he offered to give me an articale to read on What bush and Kerry really think.( Hmm...give me an article...where have I heard that one before?) I laughed at him. He's a CNN junkie. However, something tells me I haven't had the last of my discussion with Mr Jones. Maybe this time, I'll get it done right.

Shimmy, shimmy, shake, repeat, Emily

Shimmy. Shimmy. Shake. Repeat.

It's Thursday. That makes tomorrow Friday. Yayness.

Classes are being a bear. Mass Communication has the largest test of the entire year coming up next tuesday. We are going to start working on the next issue of the school paper. We barely got over the last ordeal. I'm going to try and broden my horizons and cover guy's basketball. I sports...but basketball is the one I could stand to cover. I would before I cover guys hockey. It's cold, stinky, and the hockey guys? well...everything you picture the hockey guys to be. They are.

English is painful. Our teacher is growing a gotee..it's straight-edged on the one side, rounded on the other. My powerful skills of reasoning lead me to conclude that he is blind in one eye.
We finished reading pygmalion in that class. It was the single most painful time in my life. I didn't know it was possible for somebody to read that poorly and still be a senior in high school. Ouch. I hurt. I got a perfect score on the test. The cute football player that corrected mine wrote "great job!" at the top. I found it noteworthy.

Choir is boring. My music partner holds the music as far away from my face as possible it seems. And our warm ups lead me to wonder who is this Otis fellow? And why is he sitting on a potato pan?

Creative writing, however, is fab! Our extremely sweet teacher and small easy going class makes the hour pass quickly. We wrote poems today. Apology poems. And I had to write mine on the board..."grand chatter" Mrs. Olsen told me I had done the original author proud. I laughed.

Quarter ends in one week. yippie. report cards.

Repeat, Emily

Blah.

I'm sitting here putsing around on the computer. I didn't have any homework tonight and no motivation to do anything worthwhile. I'm talking to Eric. He won tickets to a Roper concert. I'm excited for him. And jealous for him. My friend Laura won the 1,000 dollar scholarship I desperatly needed. I'm happy for her though. She's got scads and gobs of talent.

So I started filling out my Providence college application today. I got sick to my stomach. I can't go to college! I'm not mature enough! But I want to get out of Roseau so badly. I've done all I can here. Dwelling amongst the potato people. Blah. Blah.

Breakaway, Emily

Life as I know it...

First of all I wish to go on record by saying I have feelings of malice toward my alarm clock. It didn't go off this morning. I completely missed Sunday School and narrowly missed being late for church. I was very angry.

So I went to Providence college this weekend for their college days. It was gastly fun. I got to visit my friend Tyler as well as mingle with some lovely girlsin one of dormitories. I'm ready to go, to strike out on my own and to simply begin my life. My senior year seems to be nothing more than chains holding me back.

I also went to a lock-in this weekend. I saw some friends from camp and listened to the not-so-soothing sounds of "One Fall Short". All these people I knew when I was a little kid have grown up and are now....head banging guitarists. Ha. It was much fun...although I don't think I have ever been that tired in my life. I would blink and suddenly I would wake up 30 minutes later. It was insane

In Forward Motion, Emily

Interminable.

Interminable. It was on today's Advanced English vocabulary test. It means going on forever; having no end. Forever.

I watched "Raising Helen" last night. It was a charming movie, although it made me a bit weepy. I wanted the handsome pastor Dan to fall in love with me! Haha, no, not really. But I want somebody to fall in love with. And I feel as though I am destined to be unwed. My life as a free wheeling...spinster. Who needs men!? I'm smart confident and independent. Who needs to be tied down with a guy!? Not me. I shall to great and wonderful things for this world. By Myself. Take that world!

Any of you who know me know that I didn't mean the previous paragraph.
Well, most of it.

Huzzah, Emily

Crappy Saturday...

I'm having a bad day. I'm sick for the 3rd time in a month. I think there is some sort of mold farm growing under my bed causing these frequent illneses. Yuck.
My hair went flat today. Efforts to revive it with some musse didn't produce any long-lasting effects.
I have to write a paper about a childhood memory and I can't think of anything remotely interesting to write about and I feel guilty.

And on top of all my guilt a "friend" of mine spoke to me on MSN only to say..."Whoops! I opened the wrong window." He didn't want to talk to me...it was an . My self confidence took a nose dive.
Blah, Emily

I depise the education system

I am in school work hatred mode. My mass comm class delivers it's first issue of the school newspaper on Friday. My foolish peers didn't have their work done and I thouht my teacher was going to have a coronary. She yelled for while and then turned funny shades of red. She even gave us her blessing to beat up one of our classmates. I couldn't help but laugh.

My English teacher told me I had to write a report yesterday. It's due tomorrow. It's 500 words. Gag.

Waiting for MEA, Emily

And then the rains came...

I guess I don't know what I really thought would happen. Maybe it was some far off dream that I really began to believe would come true. That fairy tale that you knew to be true, only to find that Prince Charming never came for you. That the white horse is some old nag. That the man who is supposed to sweep you off you feet, has fallen flat on his face. Alas.

I'm just so sick of being different...

I'm a freak. It's not a shock to me, but still today I felt like even more a freak than I already am. Why must I be so different? I know living my life for Christ is the best thing...but why am I the only one who seems to think so?
I'm just so tired of the freak show. I'm a Jesus Freak even to the other Christians I know. My reputation as a goody-goody is spread far and wide on my high school campus. I think even the new sevies know I'm a goody-goody. I want to be known as wild and crazy. But I fear I'm a the 17 year old equivelant of Richard Cunningham. And what exactly is so grand about being different? This road of "higher calling" will result in what?
The Christians who live my brand of faith and lifestyle I can count on one hand. Somebody posed a question to me the other day that has been troubling my thoughts over the last couple days "What's so special about being a 17, never-been-kissed, never-had-a-boyfriend, never-even-been-on-a-date virgin?" What is so great about it? I think a lot about the day when I shall have guy to call my "significant other" but do guys really even care that you "saved yourself for them"?
My chats with my "christian" guy friends have resulted in comments from them such as " Why don't you kiss somebody?, I'm just trying to break you in?" *sigh* Is this all manhood is? Guys who really only care about one thing? Even the Christian ones?

Why live so extreme when there is no upside?

-Emily

Ascend...

School has offically started. I am now a senior in high school. Yes!
I'm taking 4 classes this year at the school. The rest homeschooled. My classes seem wonderful this year. Then again, we haven't really done anything yet. Mass Communication was nothing but defining terms for a quiz next week. English was learning our new teacher's "rules of respect" and discussing the patriot act. And creative writing was learning Mrs. Olsen's vision for her classroom. So far so good.
I tried out for the choir today. And, dispite my hideous audition, I am the newest 2nd. saprano for the concert choir. yay. I have gobs of friends in that class, which really excites me. And once I get my schedule down and really enter into the swing of things, I think I shall have a wonderful year.
And with the beginning of the school year comes... SEE YOU AT THE POLE! A wonderful prayer time for our beloved school and our peers. My youth pastor asked me to represent my youth group for SYATP this year. But, all that really means is I get to plan and recieve a free T-shirt. Even so, I'm terribly excited. I have the sense that God is going to do something really big in our school this year...and I want to be a part of it. Too bad nobody seems to share my vision. Everyone is depressed at can't wait for the year to end, but I think God has something wonderful in mind. The best is yet to come.

-Emily

My Joshua Stone...Continued

I shall now be able to write about what I was intending to the last entry.

Over the weekend, my youth pastor talked a lot about living radically, about knowing who you are in Christ, and not being afraid to stand up. I'm throughly sick of myself, of how I define who I am by my fears and my striking lack of self confidence. I'm a child of God...Who cares!? I've got so many more important things to do with my life, with this, my senior year, than just shuffle along never impacting anything. And this past weekend allowed me to realize that. I'm going to live my faith radically this year, to not care what people have to say, to proclaim Christ boldly and totally. I've only got one life to live. Why not live it up for Christ?

Reckless, Emily

My Joshua Stone...

Well, I returned yesterday from my youth group's fall kick-off. It was amazing. Dare I say it, it's not so terrible being a senior in the group...It might actually be o.k. *Gasp!* I like having the little kids look up to me- not that I'm anything to look up to. I told goofy stories to the girls at night, and enjoyed hearing them laugh at the stories. The boys heard about the stories which lead one of them to loudly proclaim "I wish I was a girl so I could hear Emily's stories!" The male leaders shooshed him in a hurry. I laughed.
It seems like the leaders treat me more like an equal..less like a youth to be bossed around. It's a very odd feeling. These people who I have looked up to for the last 2 years now seem to see me on thier level. And it's not such a bad thing. Maybe the best years aren't gone...maybe they are just beginning. Hmmm

More about this weekend to come- Emily

Disillusioned with Love..

This is really sad. I'm quite disillusioned with the "love", romance, dating scene...and I've never even been on a date. Whoa, that is a soo pathetic. It's so shallow, all of it. It's just a bunch of hormone-driven guys, and looks-obsessed girls proclaiming their love to eachother only to break up a week later and go after the next hott person. Maybe I've just seen too many crappy dating relationships to be very excited about entering the dating scene. But it seems like even those really godly couples, those people who do it right and honor God with their relationship still get burned. It seems so unfair. You can do and say and live all the right things in your dating relationship and it can still not work out. Love is appearing a bit too risky for my tastes at the moment.

I'm Not Single- I'm Liberated, Emily

Changing Colors...

As much as I dispise the activities that come along with the fall season (school, college people leaving) I do adore the fall season. The leaves changing, the smell of apple cider, hayrides, chilling evenings. Ahhh, fall is most definately my favorite season. I adore the the look and feel of it. For some odd reason the changing of summer to fall always make me feel very meloncaly and nostalgic. I wonder what the coming year will hold. And glance back at what I've done over the past year. It's a bit like taking a personal inventory. And I can't help but wonder what the coming year will hold.
I read a devotional last night that begged the question "Can you believe in God your whole life, but not believe Him?" The answer was, of course, yes. And how many times this summer have I done that? I've believe in Him, but not believed Him. I haven't trusted him as much as I know I should have. But can a human being really not, at times, doubt the exsistense of a God who they have no aboslute proof of? I mean we can say "God did this or God brought this together." But we can't really know can we? As humans who can only be postive of what we know through our five senses..how can we relate to the invisible God?

More thoughts on this later, Emily

To be young again...

My big brother moved out today. It sucks. I haven't spent much time with him the last few years...and now that time is gone. It's so wierd, where did the time go? The future snuck up on me and I was too busy to notice.
My friends Eric and Anneliesse left for college this week, Tyler, Ryan, Leah, and Amanda all depart in the coming weeks.
It's not fair! I want more time!! I want to be 13 again and live it all over again!
It's just not fair! Why!? Why didn't anyone warn me that I was gonna want to live it over again!? Why didn't somebody tell me that these years were going to be the best!?
*sigh* I don't want things to change. I don't wanna say goodbye anymore. No more, I want life to stay as it was...forever.
I know this sounds lame, but I don't want this to be my last year of youth group at my church. It's been such a huge part of my life...and now..it's going to be gone. The few friends that I do have who are younger, their lives are gonna go on. Without me. I feel like I'm gonna be missing out. We are all gonna be adults and starting our lives...without eachother. No best friends by our sides, no support. I suddenly feel very alone.

Emily

This one is for the girls

The title of this blog is a line of from my most favorite song. "Beautiful"- Bethany Dillion. That song finally put into words how I have felt from the day I turned 13. I shall now type the lyrics..and then write something thought-provoking about them.

"Beautiful"
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
and beautiful

*Tear* I'm quite sure all you girls out there are sniffling and dabbing your eyes with a kleenex. It's never easy being a girl, I can say with 100% certainty that every girl I have ever known has struggled with some sort of self-image issue. And at times I wonder "How can a girl not?" With perfect models in the magazines, singers with abs so tight you could bounce a quarter off 'em, and guys who seem to see nothing but the way you look, how can it not hurt? Nobody looks perfect, and I know, I know, it is air-brushed but, it's so hard at times. To feel less than beautiful...at times to feel downright...ugly. What a girl wants most is to know she is worthy of love. She is somebody. That she is beautiful. So, if there are any guys reading this..please, let us know that.

How does a girl go on in the face of a standard of perfection she can never reach? Well, I have yet to discover the perfect formula. I still struggle, I still have those days when I wake up and think "I'm not eating anything", where I put on so much make-up that you need paint stripper to get it all off. But as the last set of lyrics says, Jesus is a big part of winning this battle. He is the guy who tells us we are worthy, and beautiful. *Sigh* My Prince Charming...Jesus.
Guess what I'm saying is..it's not worth it to starve ourselves, to blow all our cash on cosmetics, and to hurt inside over it. I doubt anyonewill ever read this but...for what it's worth, Jesus thinks you're beautiful.

Not too Preachy, Emily

Boring day, too much time to think.

My life has been so uneventful this past week that's it is beginning to take a great toll on my mental state. When I have all this time to myself it forces me to look at my life as it is. To think about people..friends now turned enemies. To think about the people who promised to be your best friend forever and ever when you were 14, and now won't even speak to you. Ha, life has a way of showing you cruel irony. Reality is a cruel master. Not that I'm bitter about how my life has come to be, but I can't help but, in these moments of silence, wonder how my life would be now if I was still close with these people. If time hadn't passed, if I had just done what I was expected to do, if I had acted differently. I regret so many times in the last few years. Why didn't just...oh, there is no point in wondering. You can't go back.
And I fear I'm the only one who feels this way. I attemped to explain this odd emotion to a friend today, and they offered me a rather condesceding "Oh, well, life goes on" type of response. Like I was some foolish little kid, and was immature for thinking such a thing. I wanted to shout at them, but of course I didn't. If I said half the things I think at times out loud, I probably wouldn't still exsist. Ha. I had a friend once who always said what she thought whenever she thought it. It got her in trouble the vast majority of the time, but it also got her some very true friends. Not one shallow person would talk to her, her honesty drew a different breed of people to her. Alas, I lack the courage to be like her. I want people to like me too much. I feel very discouraged at this moment.

-Emily

Oh, how the years go by...

I have come to a startling conclusion. College is nothing more than a conspiracy to take away my closet friends. Curse you higher education!!

Today my friends Eric and Anneliesse both departed for college. Packing up the past 18 years of thier lives into cardboard boxes to be able to pursue their dreams.

It doesn't seem real, we are all still 13 years old, all still in the middle of orthadoncia, all still doing puppet ministry, all still one big happy family, with years of highschool ahead. Now dreams and hopes have been transformed into a vision and plans. Our once similar dreams are now a diverse as the people we have grown into. Shawn is off to the army, Tyler to be a youth pastor, Eric an english lit. major, Anneliesse is entering the business world. Funny how the day you thought would never come, and the life you thought would never end...has ended. And here I am, still puttering around in highschool. My future looming in the horizon. Unsure of where my future will take me, but convinced the journey to get there will be nothing short a astounding. Their departing makes me more aware that the life I have known so clearly for the last 5 years is never to be the same again, new people are coming into it, and the old departing, It's like a painful amputation, and the slow and difficult process of having a fake limb attached and learning how to work with it. You will be able to do all the same thing as before, just not in the same way. I will live my life as always..but with a new way of living.

This entry made no sense- Emily

Emily's Reasons Not To Date...continued.

After searching the far regions of my mind I have come up with a few more reasons not to date

* It's too expensive. I mean I'd like to think that my guy would be a gentleman and pay for most things. (Sorry guys, but it is the proper thing to do) But in this modern age of finacial independence s tend to shell out some cash for dates, gifts and such. Does cashless Emily really need to another thing to pay for? I think not.

* It's way too time consuming. Dates, phone calls, hanging out...it all takes time. This is not to say that one can't have a relationship where you give a lot of your time and energy to other things but, most of the relationships I have seen people tend to get wrapped up in their signifigant other. Why waste precious time on that type of thing? You could be reading your bible, participating in a service project, or discovering how to make a clean burning fuel from llame spit!

Anywho, those are my current reasons. I'm sure I will think of more and when I do I shall post them here.

Bananas, Emily

Thoughts and Musings

Greetings my loyal readers, ok, there aren't any loyal readers but I thought it sounded good. This is my first blog since the car accident incident, and I'm getting over it. My finger is no longer swollen, although it still hurts, and the bump on my head has been reduced to a small scab. And the best part? My mind no longer replays the accident over and over in my mind, I can close my eyes and not see my car in the ditch. A very welcomed prospect.

Nothing else exciting has happened, at least not blog-worthy.

So I was reading my friend Tyler's blog tonight, and he posted his now famous "reasons not to date." I had never read them before, although everyone I come in contact with seems to have. Ty is a very insightful guy, or as my sister put it "Tyler is the e-ching" He, as always, made a lot of sense. I know I think a lot about having a boyfriend, or lack thereof. It would be lovely to have a beau, but I am, in some ways, happy that I don't have one. And so in light of Tyler's wisdom I have decided to publish "Emily's reasons not to date" Mine are less insightful, and probably a lot more frivilous and girly but none the less they are reasons.

Emily's Reasons Not To Date

* Too much pressure. Pressure from everyone. Pressure to please your boyfriend, be an example of a Godly relationship, maintain friendships, be friends with his friends, be cute looking all the time, and be everything to everyone.

* Too easy to get physical. I mean, If I had a boyfriend and cared for him a lot I would want to hug and kiss him, I would think. And with every kiss you give part of your heart away. Sorry to break it you folks but that kinda thing is meant to be for a husband and wife, and due to the fact that I am 17 marriage is not in the near future. So why risk that kind of temption?

* Too easy to push God out of the picture. Now as much as I love my Jesus, and will never love anyone more than Him, I can't say I always put Him first. Unfortunatly, translating what you know and believe into how you live your life isn't as easy as it sounds. Getting caught up in your guy is a very real possibilty, and why risk that?

* Breaking up is hard to do. As much as I would try to date a guy who has a real future with me in marriage, sometimes things just don't work out. God isn't calling us to get married or it just isn't the right time. Stuff like that happens. And breaking up will suck...a lot. I've seen people get suicidal about break-ups. And that is scary. Why do that to your selfesteem???

I'm sure there are more, and I will post as they come to mind.

Blessed am I, Emily

Scared and shaken..

Last night was one of the scariest of my entire life. I was driving home from Warroad and trying to turn left, the guy behind me didn't see my signal he said, and he broadsided me on my side of the car. I remember hearing a metalic thud, screaming, looking at my friend Anna, who was with me, and then being in a ditch. My parents car is crunched...the towing people said basically totaled. They said, when my mother called there this morning, that they thought "Whoever was in there must have been quite hurt", and upon finding out of my injuries they pronounced me "very lucky". I fractured my right middle finger, have a large bump on the back of my head, as well as a cut on my leg and sore jaw. I think I broke my side window with my head, at least the bump on the back of my head leads me to think so. I found glass pelets in my ear. A few moments of the aren't clear..I may have blacked out, I'm not totally sure. We were both wearing our seatbelts, thankfully, otherwise we both probably would've gone flying out the front window. I'm still shaky, of course crying for a lot of last night. I'd like to say I kept my calm and handled things very maturely, but I didn't. My big brother came to the rescue and his friend with a pair of sandals, mine are in a flooded ditch someplace. I have plans of never driving again...ever.

Where did my life go?

Goodbye to everything that I know. My life has flew past me, and I was too busy to notice. Mercy.

I'm so old, my childhood is gone and I can't get it back. The little girl who played my baby Jesus in the church Christmas program is now 7 years old. The guys I have attend youth group with since I was 12 are going off to college in less than a month. My first crush ever is now entering his sophmore year in college. My big brother, who I shared a room with when I was has his own apartment. Suddenly, I stand at the door of the future and I have no choice but to walk through. My life is never going to be the same again. Maybe I'll be good at this whole adult thing. Maybe I will never wish these years back....then again, maybe I will.

From now on, I intend to live my life with no regrets. Because, as it has become so painfully clear, you can never go back.

- Emily

P.S. Sorry this entry is so depressing :P

What happened to my summer?!

This just in: My summer has disapeared...and I am unable to get it back. That sucks. It somehow, without my knowledge or consent, has gone away. And I am now a Senior in highschool. Several of my closest and dearest are departing for college in less that 2 weeks for some. That sucks. My future lies in front of me and it's dismal. Very dismal. I will have to get a full time job and my own place and exsist and be. Ahhhh!!! I'm not mature enough for this!!!!

What if I suck at life?? Really, it's an honest question. What if I have a tough time being an adult? What if I'm no good at adulthood? I have one year of high school left. Wha!? When did that happen? What happened to the last 12 years of my education!?

Into the bleak beyond, Emily

One and Lonely...calm down people, it's a song.

I'm not in a manic depressive mood, nobody freak out.

I've been in a bit of funk the last couple days, the giddy, bubbly mood I have been in the past couple weeks seems to be fading. *sigh* Summer draws to a close, and my working woes are multiplying. Everyday that I am scheduled to work there seems to be something that I want to go do or do with friends happening. Fudge. I hate that. I feel guilty asking for the time off, but I also hate working. Not that it's a such a tough job or my co-workers are evil but, it's so monotonous. But of course I need cash, my college fund is dwindling. I have had to dip into in quite often in order to afford all the summer activities. (camp,mission trip etc.) I think I have a little less than a thousand dollars in there...not enough to even make a dent in the forthcoming bill. Eeep.

And I have come to the conclusion that nothing romantic ever happens to me. Ever. All my friends seem to have something romantic going on. This guy likes them, or so-and-so sent her letter, or guess what you-know-who said to me. Yadda, yadda, blah,blah,blah. Down with love!!! I know a guy can't make me happy, and I should enjoy life as is but there are times when I can't help but.... Enough of this wishful thinking.

I need to eat some chocolate.

*sigh*- Emily

Lazy Summer...

My summer, alas, is drawing to a close. I know that there is a month left yet, but I know how fast that is going to fly by. And my Senior year looms dark and forboding in the near future. Ugh. I'm trying to feel excited about it, but I can't help think that nothing lovely or exciting shall happen in this final year of higher education. Although, I suppose as soon as I say that God goes "HA!" and then zaps me with some crazy event in my life. Maybe something crazy romantic will happen to me! I'll fall madly in love with my Prince Charming! And a whirlwind romance will insue!...or not. Haha.

So, I'm heading to a theater conference down in the Cities next week, with a couple of Drama buddies and our school's drama coach. It promises to be great fun. We shall be watching the the dress rehearsal of "Death of a Salesman." Not my favorite play, but seeing anything theaterical done professionally is quite wonderful to my culture starved mind. And I get to se some of the great people that I met in Arkansas, who reside in that area.

So hopefully this Senior year will filled with excitement and promise.
-Emily

Rickshaw Rally- Racing to the Son

It's Vacation Bible School week at my church this week. Which means I get to spend 3 hours a n night with 25+ plus or so squirmy 8 years olds. And I get to wear a a gold colored T-shirt with the world's ugliest logo emblazened on my chest. Joy.

Of course that last paragraph was pure sarcasm. I love VBS week! I get to serve Jesus in the coolest way possible: little kids!!! I'm, once again, helping with the 1st. grade class. I love those kids, I get all the cute ones this year. :) Their natural curiosity and infectious zeal for everything they do is contagious. Very contagious. By the end of the week I always find myself playing all the games, throwing myself into singing the cheesy songs (with actions I might add), and colapsing into giggles with the little girls. I adore it.

And this is one of the few times I see my entire church body united for a common goal. As with any diverse group of people, there is always disagreement. But not with VBS, everyone throws themselves headlong into it. From the little 8th graders helping with the nursrey babies, to the old grannies baking treats and mixing Kool-aid. It's really wonderful to see. The church has become like a 2nd family to me. And I heart family.

VBS ahoy!- Emily

Memories...

I was cleaning my room today and was putting some birthday cards in a box where I keep old cards and notes. Shuffling through made me very nostalgic...and regretful. I was reading notes from friends from when I was 14 and 15. OH MY WORD!!! I WAS SHALLOW!!!! Ahhh! Notes about boys, and crushes, and all that "difficult" 10th grade schoolwork. I can hardly believe that was my life...thank goodness it is no longer. I can't even grasp being like that anymore. I was so naive! I couldn't believe I was like that.

It makes me wonder if I will look back on my life, as it is now, in 5 years or so and wonder "what was I thinking!?" I certainly hope not. I'd like to believe I have matured and changed and grown as a person but have I really? Or am I just pretending? Maybe I'll never know...but hopefully wisdom will come with age. Heaven knows I could use it.

-Emily

Late Night Show...

It's past midnight as I sit here typing away. I haven't stayed up this late in a long time...I know, pathetic. What kind of red-blooded American 17 year old sits home on a Friday night mindlessly typing away on MSN? Me, that's who. I should be at a wild party, or on hott date, or sneaking out for who knows how long!!! Of course any of you who read this blog and know me on a slightly deeper than surface level know that I would never do any of the aforementioned activities. I've chosen the road less traveled, or perhaps God has chosen this path for me and I've just chosen not to stray from it. I may never know the answer to that one. But to quote Frost "and that has made all the difference" I don't regret my how my life has turned out in the slightest, unorthadox though it may be.

I am homeschooled, which marks me as a freak in this world. I've endured years and years of rude remarks, stupid questions, and general dislike from many people. But I have so much more freedom to pursue my interests when I want, to make some classes longer or shorter, and to be me...which doesn't include dressing and acting like so many of my peers.

But I'm exhausted, and the "S" key on my keyboard is sticking. G'night brave new world- Emily

Camp Bronson...*tear*

Two days ago I returned from the Sr. High retreat at Lake Bronson. It was a super-fun time. We sat around and talked, swung on the swing, swam in the world's nastiest lake, and even gained a slight tan. I love that camp but more so I love the people who attend at work at the camp. I saw my fellow counselors from Jr. Boys and Girls camp, and I came to the conclusion that they are the most wicked awesome Christian teens I have ever met. Their zeal for their faith and their fun-loving nature makes them so enjoyable to be around.*GIANT SMILE*

The speaker was everything I was told that he was. Don taught me more than I've learned from a camp speaker in a long.  Wonderful things like: I can stop beating myself up for my past mistakes, God isn't holding them over my head so I can stop doing so myself. And I can have my doubts and I'm still ok.  I'M NORMAL!!!!!!  It's ok to question, it's part of growing in my faith. YAY!!

I also learned that late night trips to the observation tower...is a bad idea.

                                                                 I heart camp, Emily

17 years...

 Well, Today is my 17th Birthday. I don't know if I should be really happy or depressed. Haha. I do like Birthdays... I don't think it's possible not to enjoy them. I dislike it when people, women especially, hide how old they are and dress in all black on their Birthday. It should be a happy day, God saw it fit to keep you the planet another year. And a new year of adventures to look forward to. People treat you extra special and you can eat cake guilt-free, because you are the birthday girl.

As I look back on this past year, I'd have to say it was quite wonderful. I got my license, my first job, which means my first paycheck, I traveled to Arkansas, picked my college and major (yay!) and I encountered God in a whole new way. Hopefully, my 17th year will just as much joy and exciting challenges as this past year.    eeesh, I sound like a greeting card... :P

                                                                    Farewell, Emily

Another Day

 Nothing exciting going on today really. I may write a letter. I may look for my missing pictures. I may go buy some lip gloss..then again I may not.
 
Summer seemed to have just arrived but it's nearing the end. I get the dry heaves at the thought of another year of education. I know, I know, it's my Sr. year and I should treasure this special time in my life blah,blah, blah...but I don't want to. Not that I education but all the work and the classes and lines. UGH! I want summer to stay forever but I guess that is impossible.
 
In other news, LEAH IS COMING HOME TO VISIT!!!! YAY!! My dearest gal pla whose voice I haven't not heard in little over 2 months is coming to visit. And I've missed her like crazy, so her cmoing home is creating much joy.
 
Well, I have nothing else to bore you with so...Toodle Loo.
 
 -Emily

Insert Snappy Title Here

 Lately, I have been quite lost in my writing pursuits. I've always wanted to write a book, now I just have to decide what it should be about. I'm a sucker for a good romantic fiction book, but I'd also like to write something practical- like a book on some aspect of Christianity. My poetry is coming along, I can't say much more than that really. I've also been dabling with a couple of songs. I don't have a problem with writing the lyrics for them, but my lack of musical knowledge and talent proves to be challenge when attempting to create a snappy tune for the songs. But I shall continue pressing on in that matter.
 
I'm listening to Bethany Dillon at the moment. She is quite astonishing. She was but 15 when her CD was released (she's 16 now), she writes all her own lyrics, as well as the music, and sings and performs them beautifully. I wish I had that level of talent  coursing though my veins!  Maybe I have scads of untapped talent inside of me that is just sceaming for some sort of creative outlet!!...then again maybe not. I'm afraid I'm nothing but average in my talents, which I can deal with I think. Well, I should do something besides blogging now, so until next time...
 
                                                           -Emily

A Place called contentment

Well, the concert last night was amazingly cool! The band was wonderful, and all the the singers and band were incredibly nice and friendly people. A nice thing about Christian concerts as opposed to others is that the band members actually seem to care about their audience. And the mosh pits are far more polite, if you fall you are picked up by others...rather than being trampled. :S

And now for a very exciting annoucement: I PASSED MY AP ENGLISH NATIONAL EXAM!!!!!!! YAY! Now, according to the college board of America I am "qualified" and can skip some of my freshman english work. Aaaaaah. The knowledge that I passed this exam makes me think I might actually have a fighting chance in the college rat race, an very comforting thought.

Last night, at the concert, I saw some of my fellow counselors from camp, as well as some campers, and I was most excited. I thought I might never see the great majority of them ever again. And I also met some lovely new people last night, this meeting new people concept doesn't terrify me as it once did. Dare I say I actually enjoy meeting new people?!...I must be ill. And so at this point I am contented as to my life is playing out. And so I end this blog with one thought- Doo bee doo bee doo.

-Emily

I heart Kutless

Tomorrow evening, coming to my hole-in-the-earth-town, is one of the finest Christian rock bands EVER- KUTLESS!!!!!!!!!! *high-pitched scream* I can hardly believe it! A band that I love coming to my town...that had never ever ever happened! I'm very very excited...I trust it will be an excellent concert. And I've been encouraging everyone that I have come across to attend...yes, that means you.

-Emily

The Future draws near...

I'm in the mood to do lot's of blogging tonight- so here I am...again.

Over this past week I have realized how fast my life is suddenly moving toward adulthood. I have but one short year left of highschool and will be at college in but 2. I was alwyas in such a hurry to grow up but now I don't want to and I am suddenly powerless to stop it. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a very narrow hallway and suddenly this huge wall of water comes surging toward me, I turn around and see this wall approaching me, then I stretch my body out in an effort to stop this wall of water, suddenly the water hits me. I manage to block it for a couple of seconds then in one giant gush the water washes me away and as hard as I try to swim against it the water pulls me down the hall in whatever direction it pleases. That's how I feel at the moment.

This week my mother abruptly announced to me that I can date if I want. *shocked face* She had originally told me that when I was 18 I could and I have these past years abided by this rule. But now, just 2 weeks shy of my 17th birthday, I am able to date. The thought of having the beau to call my own "someday" is now anyday I choose, tomorrow if I please. A thought that both frightens me and excites me.

College draws closer and closer every day. I gag at the thought of applying for scholarships for the free money I so desprately need. This year will be my final everything of highschool- final one act play, final mssion trip, final year of youth group, final year of speech team, final year of classes. It all seems so sad..do I have any regrets of how I have spent these past years of higher education? Of course. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. There are things I would have done differently, ppl I wouldn't have spent as much time with, words I wouldn't have said, words I would have said. And so with these thoughts crowding my mind with heavy mental fog- I close this entry.

-Emily

An Equation

Male stupidity + lots of alcohol + MN state senator= very funny story

Traveling at the speed of life...

Well, yesterday I returned from junior counseling a Lake Bronson Baptist Bible Camp. (LBBBC) I have to say it was the best time I can remember having in a very very long time. My campers were absolutely adorable and I miss them to death. Also, the staff was some of the finest Christian ppl my age that I have probably ever met. They were all fun, and funny, and I learned a lot from all of them.

Another nice fact about this camp is the realization that there really are some nice Christian guys out there. In this rat-hole of a town I live in nice genuine Christian guys are few and far between This camp has however given me hope that maybe I'll find a nice guy one day. Maybe. :)

And so I had an excellent time and made some new friends. God is good.

-Emily

P.S. I love stars and fog.

Mission Trip '04

As I said before there is much more to say about this trip.

Secondly and most importantly this trip reminded that I belong to the most wicked awesome God of all the universe. A God who is with me even when I can't feel His presence. On the mission trip God saw that it was best for Him to be quiet, I grew rather upset at Him for this. But, with the help of some pretty awesome friends and my youth director, God taught me that He is there even when I can't feel Him. And even if all others forsake me...my Jesus never will.

-Emily

I Have Returned

Greetings, Yesterday I returned from my mission trip to the ozark mountain region. 11 days have I been gone. I wish to write of every single event that happened on the trip, every inside joke, every laugh, every word shouted at another anger, every single person I have met. But That would mean blogging for roughly 8 hours, something that is less than appealing. So I only write of the memories that are resting in my mind at the present moment.

My first realization gleaned from this trip is I am the proud owner of the world's most wicked awesome friends. We grew incredible close over the past 11 days and my childish fearful question of "Do I have any real friends??" has, I believe, finally been vanquished. I have friends who are willing to laugh with me, cry with me, and be there for me when I am a less happy companion. Only your dearest friends would be willing to sit up way past lights out in 15 minutes of silence other than the sound of your own sniffles and sobs. Only your dearest friends would pray for anwswers, give advice, talk, and just be there for you late into the night when you feel completely alone and betrayed.

I have many more things to say, many more realizations to share. But an errand calls my name.

Much more to come, Emily

Fear of the unknown

This summer I, along with 9 others, will be heading to the ozark mountains for a week of house repair and kid's club ministy. We leave on Friday. My fears and lack of self-confidence I fear are beginning to show through the "missionary Emily" outside. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with this experience but the unknown of what will happen on this trip has me in it's grip. Plus this trip involves meeting well over 100 new ppl. Some people pleasant...some not so pleasant. I have never been good with meeting new ppl and the very thought of all these new people makes me literally sick to my stomach. Now that I have vomited my fears into this post. I bid this entry...Goodnight.

Blogging 101

I've spent time reading through others blogs and have so concluded that the purpose of blogging is to: find the signifigant and phylisopical things in life's ordinary events. (Note my wonderful use of phonetic spelling)

So I worked this evening..I set up supper trays and then washed all the dishes. My boss left early because, well, she's my boss and she can do whatever she pleases. And my other coworker claimed "it's been one of those nights!" and left as well. Leaving me and just one other to finish all the work. Joy. And as I stood by the machine, shoving pureed chicken patties into the garbage disposal I thought "Was this the wonderful adulthood I longed for? Independence? Is this all life will be? Is there more to the magical age of 16 than just sticking my hand in catsup laden water?" I certainly hope so. Life is looking rather mundane.

More musings to come.

doo bee doo bee doo

I feel like being sentimental now, so here I am. Blogging away. I'm slowly coming out of my deep depression over the moving of my bestest friend Leah. It really was tough. I can't help but feel that this coming year will be nothing but moments like that. When my friends go to college, when the best actors are absent from one act play, when my fav teamates are gone from speech. It's gonna be really really sad. :( All Srs claim they want freedom and can't wait to get out of this stupid town...but I can't help but wonder if when the time really comes to leave here if they really want to go.. Food for thought.

Ahhh...Summer.

It's official...June 1st. 10:12 a.m. And I am bored out of my mind. So I thought I'd post. I plan on spending this first week of June relaxing and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. And then *insert fanfare here* I'm off to Bluewater camp for a week! Yay! I do enjoy that camp. It is most relaxing. Kayaking, canoing, sleeping, chapel, night games. Ahhh. I've run out of interesting things to say so.... g'bye -Emily

My First Blog

Well, here it is. My very first blog. Aren't you excited? I thought as much. My friend Ryan asked me if I had a blog and after replying him with a no I wondered "Why not?" So here I am. This is now my summer project and I will try to post at least weekly...maybe more. Currently I am mourning the moving of my dearest gal-pal Leah Lou to her summer job about 4 hours away. Tear* Well, I sign off for now.